


Jonas & Ezekiel

by HumsHappily



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Chuck is God, Expriest Castiel, First Kiss, First Time, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Librarian Castiel, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religion, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Soldier Dean Winchester, Virgin Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-10 08:59:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4385786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumsHappily/pseuds/HumsHappily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Second chances don't come around often, but when the universe is rebooted, war-torn soldier Dean Winchester finds his in a defrocked priest named Castiel Milton.</p>
<p> With no memories of their previous lives, of battling  demons or saving the world, Dean and Cas find that sometimes love can transcend the universe itself and sometimes soulmates aren't that strange an idea after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Great Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note
> 
> Not to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be okay. 
> 
>  
> 
> This fic contains many mentions of potentially triggering  
> events and material. Please heed the tags. At the base of every chapter there will be specific warnings as to what is contained. 
> 
> Title is from [Jonas & Ezekiel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCFvECak53M) by the Indigo Girls.

“Dean, it’s coming,” Sam shouted, as they ran outside. “What the hell is it?”

“Get in the car, Sammy!” Dean snapped, yanking the Impala door open and slamming inside as Sam did the same. The keys fell to the footwell, and Dean leaned down to grab them, fumbling them into the ignition. “Fuck. Come on, come on,” he muttered, tires spinning in the mud. “NO! GOD DAMMIT!” He turned his head, looking at Sam with regret as he punched the gas, car moving nowhere. “Oh my god…” he whispered hoarsely, watching the wall of darkness swell in the distance.

“Dean…” Sam breathed, swallowing hard as they watched telephone poles snap, electricity sparking as wires were torn from the ground and sky.

“Shit, Sammy, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” Dean said, uselessly pumping the pedal. “I can get out and push, you can get away still.”

“Where the hell would I go Dean?” Sam said, shaking his head. “This way...this way we’re together, right?”

“Sam!”

“No, Dean. Now shut up.”

“What?”

“I’m gonna pray. For one last time in my life I’m gonna pray, so just shut up.”

“Bitch,” Dean muttered, catching his eyes.

“Jerk,” Sam said softly, nodding as their gazes locked. He breathed out and shut his eyes, facing away from the darkness. Dean kept his open, watching the black nothingness swell and roll across the plain toward them. He glanced once more at Sam, whose eyes were squeezed shut, hands tight on the dashboard as he sat in silence. Dean swallowed hard, clenching his jaw. With a last fleeting thought, he closed his eyes and for the first time in his life, Dean Winchester prayed to God.

 

~~~~~

“Uh, Dean? Dean. Open your eyes, man. Don’t have time for this.”

Dean cracked his eyes open to a bright, white light, and sat up groaning. “What the hell? How much did we drink last night, Sammy? The fucking dreams I had, man.”

“Not Sammy,” said the voice, and Dean looked to see a much shorter man standing over him, dressed in a rumpled cardigan and wrinkled jeans. He shuffled his bare feet, looking vaguely apologetic, but had a determined look on his face nonetheless.

“Chuck? What the hell?”

“Hey, Dean. You did good, man.”

“I did good?” Dean repeated, standing up. “What’s that supposed to mean? Thought you were dead.”

“Well, no. I can’t really...die.”

Dean paused, looking him over as his hand strayed to his waistband, where his gun _should_ have been. “Look, Chuck. You’re a great guy, but uh, I don’t really like the idea that something doesn’t die. And I thought you were dead already, so.”

Chuck shrugged, rubbing his temple with one hand. “Yeah, alright, go ahead. I should have expected this.”

Dean pulled the gun, ignoring it’s sudden appearance, flicked off the safety and shot two rounds right between the man’s eyes.

Chuck tumbled back, and Dean had just enough time to think that there wasn’t enough blood, wasn’t any blood, before the body sat up and blinked its eyes open. Dean gasped at the blue light shining from them, backing away. “You’re an angel?”

“No,” came a impatient voice. “I’m...a bit more than that.”

“Prophet?” Dean said weakly.

“No. If you’d just let me explain-”

“You’re not real then, those two bullets, one was salt and holy water, one was silver,” Dean growled. “You should be dead, not fucking glowing.”

“Dean! Is this body even talking?”

“What?” Dean asked, pausing. Chuck wasn’t moving, just sitting there, eyes open.

“Chuck was just a form I’ve chosen to take. I can change, if it would make you feel better,” the voice said, sounding just slightly amused.

“Change?” Dean repeated weakly.

There was a quick flash of blue light, and a woman had taken Chuck’s place. Dark haired and covered in flowing green robes, she smiled and stood, golden chains twinkling. “Dean. Please calm down.”

“What is going on?” Dean snapped, pointing the gun at her again. “Who are you?”

The woman lifted her hands placidly. “You knew me as Chuck. I'm still Chuck. Well, not that I was ever really Chuck to begin with.” She shook her head. “It’s messy, let’s move on.”

“You still talk like him, all fucking circles. Explain already,” Dean snapped, gesturing with the gun.

“Chuck was a cover, so I could get some fucking work done without all my children fighting over who daddy loved more!” Chuck snapped in reply.

“So what are you then?” Dean growled back, eyes narrowing.

“God.”

Dean dropped his gun down. “You’re joking.”

“No,” Chuck said, crossing her arms. “What, do I need to prove it to you?”

“Uh, yeah, dude.”

Chuck rolled her eyes and held up a hand. Dean found himself sprawled on the ground and unable to get up. “Hey!”

“Shut up, Dean. God can get headaches too.” Chuck moved her arms again, pieces of the white wall splitting open to reveal a large black marble rectangle. “Watch.”

Dean frowned, but fixed his eyes on the spot when color spilled over the surface as if invisible hands were spreading watercolors. He gasped as a room took shape, his mother humming in a rocking chair as she nursed a baby. “Sammy!”

“No, Dean. Not this time. That baby is you,” Chuck said quietly, moving to sit beside him. Dean glanced at her for a moment, but focused back on the screen at a flash of darkness. Mary looked up, eyes staring through the screen and smiled gently as if she knew she was being watched. She stood, dropped a kiss to the baby’s head, and laid him in his crib. She flicked a switch as she left the room, leaving it dark except for the soft glow of an angel shaped nightlight. Dean swallowed hard as the scene faded out and turned to Chuck.

“So, you just gonna make my life flash before my eyes or something?” he muttered, ignoring the knot in his stomach at the gentle image.

“Just watch, Dean.”

Dean turned his attention back as colors filled the screen again, this time of just Mary and John Winchester, laughing as Mary kneaded dough. “Where am I?” Dean murmured.

“You’re watching,” Chuck said, hushing him.

John slipped his hand around Mary’s waist, tugging her close for a gentle kiss. Mary laughed again, and sprinkled flour in his hair. “I never saw dad so…”

“Happy?” Chuck asked softly as the scene faded out.

“Yeah.”

‘Your father was once a very good man. He had his struggles, but with the loss of your mother, he lost himself completely to them. He became hard and cruel, and...vengeful.”

“And if you’re telling the truth, that’s your fucking fault. You could have stopped it, stopped everything!”

“Don’t you think I tried?” Chuck said quietly, staring forward as images began to flash faster. Snippets of fire and shouting and a crying baby. Dean’s voice faded in, small with age as he sang a song to Sam. Older voices, Sam shouting at John while Dean sat in silence. Sam slamming the door, bag on his back, John chasing him out, still yelling. Dean staring at it all night waiting for his brother to come back, waiting for his father to come back. Wanting to curl up and just cry, not that he’d ever allow himself to.

Dean began to shake as the images came faster, pausing at certain spots. Chuck was silent, watching with him as they slowed, ticking by as through in slow motion. Dean cringed at the first time he died, and winced as he was brought back.

“And here is where I truly lost control,” Chuck murmured, sighing. Dean focused on the screen as electricity sparked and the shadow of large wings filled the wall of a barn.

“Cas…” Dean breathed as the angel stared them down.

“I did not realize how far Castiel’s...desire to protect you would reach or how strong your bond would grow to be."

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Dean asked as the angel was replaced by the image of Lisa and Ben.

"I'm saying that Castiel raised you from perdition. And it was not on my orders. For the first time since Lucifer, one of my angels broke completely away from my control. Did you ever ask Castiel what happened when he grabbed your arm?"

Dean shook his head, hand going to his bicep where Castiel's hand print had once been.

"He began to experience emotion. Human emotions, I should clarify," Chuck said. "Castiel has always been special. He is the youngest of my angels, refused to become an archangel when I offered him the chance. He never....wanted to control heaven. Not like some of the others. He was always desperately in love with the Earth. We'd be unable to locate him for months at a time. He would cloak his grace and wander among whatever fauna existed on earth at the time. The prayers to him when humans came along were always friendly, always believing. Neighbourly."

"And why are you telling me all this?" Dean asked.

"Because something happened to Castiel on earth before you were born, before you were even thought of. He tried to teach himself emotion the way you might feel. Angels experience love and happiness, sadness and anger just as you do. But their emotions are pure, where humans are chaotic. Only three angels have managed to gain human emotion without becoming human. Lucifer, Gabriel," Chuck nodded her head as the second angel popped into view, sucking a lollipop, "and your Castiel."

"He's not my anything!" Dean said, flushing.

"Yes, he is," Chuck said, turning a piercing gaze onto him. "You may not see it, but everything Castiel has done has been for you. He may not be anything to you, and we both know that's a lie, but you are everything to him. You showed him the way to emotions. You gave him the greatest gift that could ever be."

"I didn't give him anything," Dean said angrily.

"Me-dammit, Dean, would you listen to me instead of holding onto your...your...this denial?" Chuck stammered, shaking her hands.

Dean opened his mouth to respond, but Chuck held up a hand. "No. Stop talking."

"Hey, you can't just-" Dean's eyes widened as he brought his hands up to his throat, unable to make any noise.

"Yes, I can. Now, listen!" Chuck snapped, patience wearing thin. "Castiel has never wanted anything more than to be like his two favorite brothers. Gabriel and Lucifer. When Lucifer fell, we nearly lost Castiel as well. He came to me, desperate. He begged me to take his grace, his memories. Send him to earth as a human. I refused," Chuck said, meeting Dean's eyes. "And when I did, Castiel ran. He cloaked his grace, and fell to Earth. Ages passed and no one was able to bring him back, to even find him. Gabriel came to me, asked for my permission to walk the earth until he found Castiel. I gave him my...blessing. I missed my son, my angel. I needed him back by my side.”

Dean nodded, eyes questioning. Chuck met his gaze and waved her hand, releasing the hold on his voice. “So, uh...Gabe found Castiel then?”

“Yes. It took many human years, but eventually Gabriel found Castiel on the side of a hill. Ireland, if you can believe it. He was farming bees…”

“He likes bees, yeah. Really likes honey,” Dean said quietly, licking his lips.

 

“Gabriel brought him back, Castiel asked again if I would wipe his memories. I said that I would. I could see he was hurting. What I refused to do was take away what he'd learned. Which may have been a mistake. From that point on, Castiel was different. On the surface, he seemed the same. But his soul...it was filled with this longing. I understood it, but there was nothing I could do for him."

"You understood it?" Dean asked, glancing up as Balthazar rolled his eyes on screen before fading away, replaced by Bobby working on a car.

"Yes. You see, for the first time ever there was an angel who wished to be human. Castiel wasn't experiencing a fleeting desire to know emotion, wasn't just interested about how it might be like to live among humans for a bit. He wanted and still wants to be completely and utterly human."

"But he was human," Dean protested. "He's lost his grace before, and you were at the end verse. You saw what he did to himself."

"Yes, Dean. But you don't see what drove him there. It was you."

"I didn't do anything."

"Exactly. Castiel came to you in that timeline. Tried to make you understand, told you how he felt, what you meant to him. You ignored him and pushed him aside to go after your own desires."

"I wouldn't do that," Dean said, crossing his arms angrily.

"But you have done it." Chuck glared at him and snapped his fingers, body turning back to its male appearance. "Remember? I was there. I know."

“But I wouldn’t do that to Cas. He’s my friend, he’s family. Even if he thinks he’s, you know...”

“In love with you? He is. And is that all he is, Dean, a friend? Really?” Chuck asked, lifting his eyebrows.

“Look man, I dunno-”

“All I’m saying is that Castiel chose you. Over everything. Over his family, over his father. Over his grace and his past.”

Dean fell silent, running a hand through his hair.

“You were not the first human Castiel grew attached to. But you will be the last. “

“What?”

Chuck sighed. “Castiel loves you. He has seen your soul and he has fallen for it. Even Gabriel did not fall as he did. Not for Kali, not for Loki."

“So what?” Dean snapped. “I didn’t ask him too!”

“No, but you love him back, dammit!”

Dean reeled back and clambered to his feet. “Y’know what? I don’t have to take this from you!” he growled. “I’m outta here. Let me go!”

“Go? Go where, Dean? You’re dead. Properly this time. You, unlike every other person, get to have a conversation with God, because let’s be honest, I like you! Granted you’ve shot me a few times by now, and you’re still royally pissed about the books, but I don’t care!” Chuck shoved at his hair harshly. “Cas loves you Dean, and he won’t tell you because you think you’re too much of a fuck up to actually be loved! To deserve to be true to yourself. I know you Dean. I know what you want, all your secrets and troubles. Stop lying to yourself! You love him!” Chuck shouted, eyes flashing angrily. “I’m not the nicest guy, and I haven’t been the best to you, but I love you. I love all of humanity. I want to see you happy!”

“Then why the fuck do you do what you do? Why are you such a dick? Why do people die, horrible painful deaths while others are forced to watch?” Dean spat, spinning on him.

“Because I lost control!” Chuck shouted. “Free will wasn’t something I chose. It was something you took. Humanity chose, and I let you because I didn’t realize what would happen. The diseases, the deaths and wars! Do you think I like watching? Hearing children cry, hearing their families prayers and being unable to stop the knives, the fires, the bullets?” Chuck was snarling, his presence growing and twisting into something unfathomably large, shot through with guilt and regret.

Dean stepped back at the waves of energy radiating from the man, hands trembling with shock. “Ch...Chuck?” he stammered, falling to his knees as the presence loomed over him.

Suddenly the air cleared, Chuck rubbing at his eyes. “Sorry, sorry. I forget sometimes...how it must seem to you. To everyone.”

Dean stayed on the floor, staring up at him.

“I’ve never meant to be cruel,” Chuck said, sliding down to the floor. “But I suppose that is one of the burdens of a parent. Sometimes...you can’t help but be cruel. Or maybe it’s the burden of humanity. You hurt the ones you love, even though you’d do anything to protect them. Sometimes, you hurt them in spite of it.” He sighed.

“So,” Dean swallowed hard. “Why am I here? Is this just so you could have a pity party with someone who knows you? You said I’m dead already, so I’m guessing I won’t be telling anyone about this.”

“You’re here because I’m apologizing,” Chuck sighed. “And trying one last time to fix things.”

“Fix things?” Dean asked, eyeing him.

Chuck nodded, eyes closed. “I’m sending you back.”

“I’m dead, I fucked up the entire world and I killed death,” Dean scoffed. “You can’t send me back, man.”

“I’m God, I can do what I want.” Dean let out a bark of laughter and Chuck graced him with an exhausted grin.

“Is there anything even left though?” Dean asked a moment later, smile falling from his face. “I mean...I really fucked up this time.”

“Yep.” Chuck sighed. “I wouldn’t be sending you back to the world you knew. You’re right, there isn’t anything left. I’d be...rewriting time. Reforming energy. I can’t do it normally. But you’ve made a hole in space. You wiped out the planet, invited darkness to come in. I can fight it back, but before I do, I have to do one more thing.”

“What’s that?”

“I have to have something to start from. Something that contains goodness, regret, pity. Empathy and apathy in equal measure. Compassion and love, hate and guilt. I need the human experience."

"What the hell is that?" Dean asked, suddenly wary.

"I need a soul, Dean. Yours."

"Fuck off."

Chuck lifted his eyes skyward. "Thought you'd say that. Consider it a loan. You'd get it back once you're born again."

"Born again? What am I Jesus or something?"

"Well, in a manner of speaking. You'd be bringing about the deliverance of the world. You're not a carpenter, but you are sort of a mechanic, so it's close enough." Dean leveled a glare at him. "Dean, please. I'm giving everyone down there a second chance. The only demons will be the human ones. The demons and creatures you've known will exist only in stories."

"Can you lie?" Dean asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Can you lie?"

"On earth? Yeah. Not here though," Chuck said, gesturing around. “You still can though. Totally unfair.”

"So if I give you my soul to use, what happens?"

"I recreate the world. Everyone you've ever known will live again as will the rest of humanity. History won't change, only the reasons for it will. People like Hitler will still have existed, but so will Mother Teresa," Chuck said. "It's...like I'll be using a template. The world that was, only slightly different."

Dean swallowed, throat suddenly dry. "So...everyone. They'll live again?"

"Yes. I can't promise you'll meet them again, but they will live. You'll have faint memories of people and places, but you won't really remember this conversation or your life as a hunter. The memories will be almost like mist.”

"One thing," Dean said. "And I'll give you what you need."

Chuck looked at him curiously. "Are you bargaining your soul? Again?"

"Yeah," Dean said. "But I need this to happen, so it’s worth it."

"What is it?"

"I want you to...I want you to make him human. If you can't lie then...it's all he's ever wanted," Dean mumbled, turning his face down. "I can give Cas that." At his name, Castiel's face appeared on the screen, laughing as he crouched to pet a kitten. Dean turned to the noise, a faint smile flitting over his face.

"Is that all you want, Dean?" Chuck asked. "Think carefully. Once you accept, that's it. No more bargains or deals. Ever."

Dean met his eyes. "He wants to be human. Give him a soul."

"Dean-"

"Give him what he wants, Chuck."

"In order to do that I'd have to split a soul. I can’t create energy anymore."

"Then take mine."

Chuck sighed. "Do you know what you're asking me?"

"I'm asking you to give Castiel happiness," Dean said, voice rough. "I hurt him. You said I did, and you can’t lie here. I can't- I can’t apologize to him now. So this, even if he won't know it's because of me, it's my apology."

"Fine." Chuck met his eyes. "But you will always be looking for each other."

"Wait, what?"

"You won't be happy until you find one another. I'm splitting your soul Dean. Two halves. See, I'll be taking Castiel's grace and I'll be taking your soul. And I'll be twisting them together."

"What..what does that mean for me?"

"It means you'll be human. But very lucky. Things that should kill you might not, and you won't get sick very often. But you won't know why. You'll feel normal, Dean. You'll be fully human, as will Castiel. But you have to find each other."

"What happens if we don't?"

"Nothing. But it will always feel like you're missing something."

Dean nodded. “So...we’d be soulmates?”

Chuck snorted. “You already are. Don’t you ever listen to me?” Dean scowled and Chuck rolled his eyes. “Dean. He loves you. For an angel to love- it’s no small feat. You are getting a second chance, use it,” Chuck implored, voice much gentler than Dean had ever heard it before. “You deserve happiness.”

“I don’t deserve anything.”

"Stop lying to yourself."

Dean glared. "I fucked up. That's all I've ever done, fuck up when I try to-"

"Do the right thing," Chuck interrupted. "And that makes all the difference. If you don't deserve to be happy, who does? You've spent your whole life trying to save others, always putting them before yourself. How many times did you sacrifice yourself or someone else for Sam?" Benny flashed in the corner of Dean’s eye, sharp blade slicing through his neck. Gabriel was next, caught in a burning circle as he raged into a dark, lonely warehouse.

Dean opened his mouth to respond but Chuck held up a hand, silencing him. "How many?"

"I dunno," Dean muttered, trying to use anger to mask his guilt.

"And if you'd put yourself before others, maybe you'd be right. Maybe you'd be undeserving. Look, Dean. Writing is hard. Writing the stories of everyone on earth when they keep changing themselves is harder. But your ending never changed. It would always be this, the chance to be happy, no matter how you eventually made your way back to me." Chuck fell silent, letting Dean digest the information.

"I don't believe you," Dean said finally. "But...I want Cas and Sam to be happy. If they are happy, then....I will be."

Chuck smiled at him. "That's the first step then." He stood, extending a hand out to Dean. Dean waved him off and stood. "You're sure, Dean? Last chance." Dean nodded, and Chuck held his hand out, a basin forming in mid air, filled with a spinning light. "I want you to watch. You'll have to be able to recognize this when I send you back."

"This?" Dean asked, squinting as the light grew brighter.

"Your soul. And Castiel's," Chuck said, reaching into the air as a ball of angel grace flew out of the basin. He caught it, gentling it in his cupped hands. "Last chance, Dean. If you have any questions for me, now is the time."

"If... You have Castiel's grace there, does that mean..." Dean trailed off.

"That he is gone?" Chuck asked softly. "Yes. He was on earth when the darkness struck, on his way to save you."

Dean nodded sharply, steadying himself. "Then I don't have anything else to say. Do it."

"Give me your hand, Dean. And watch."

Dean put his hand forward, Chuck taking it and turning it palm up. At his touch, Dean's eyes flashed, the color draining from them. "Chuck!"

"Breathe, Dean. Everything is fine," Chuck said, his voice surrounding them. "Watch."

Dean was shaking, a ball of light forming in his outstretched hand, bottle glass green. As he watched, small slivers of amber and gold began to shoot off, twining with tendrils of sapphire from Castiel's grace. As the connections increased, the lights floated free of Dean’s hand, and Chuck stepped away. Dean watched in wonder as the lights swirled together and a net came down on him, a deep blue, like the center of smoldering flames. A similar net was forming to his left, deep forest green, and in its depths stood a shadowed figure, wings spread wide as feathers dropped. Dean tried to reach out, but his hands refused to respond. "Castiel!"

Chuck waved his hands and the lights dimmed, but for a second, the two men's eyes met across the gap. The angel’s mouth opened as if to reply, but he vanished without a word. Dean gave a low moan and fell to his knees. "C..Chuck," he slurred, fighting the pull. "He'll be happy? Prom...misse."

"I promise you," Chuck replied, eyes flashing. “Castiel will be happy.” At his words, Dean's knees gave out, body tumbling to the ground as the light in his eyes extingushed for the last time.


	2. A Second Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, chapter warnings are located in the end authors notes.

“No silly-billy! You can’t have pie before bedtime!” Mary Winchester laughed, and Dean giggled as she tickled him.

“Momma! My name isn’t Billy!”

Mary gasped, eyes wide in mock surprise. “It isn’t? What is it then?”

“I’m your Dean!” Dean shouted, launching himself off his bed and into his mother’s arms. 

“Oh of course!” Mary smiled as chubby hands cupped her face. “How could I forget?” Dean shrugged and laid a sticky kiss on her nose. 

“I dunno.” 

“Well, I suppose I’ll remember this time,” Mary said, plopping him back down onto the bed. “But you need a nap, mister.” 

“Ugh, I’m not tired!” Dean said, hiding his yawn. 

“Lie down anyway, and if you’re not asleep in thirty minutes, you can get up.” 

Dean stuck his lips out in a pout, but laid his head on the pillow as Mary tugged a blanket over him. “I’m not gonna sleep,” Dean said, eyes closing. 

“Of course not,” Mary said, eyes twinkling as she hit the light switch, angel night light coming on.

“Momma?” 

“Yeah, baby?” Mary asked, halfway out the door. 

“When,” Dean said, yawning again, “when will I get to see Castiel?”

“Who is that baby?”

“He’s just like me. The man said I’d see him.”

“What man?” Mary asked, narrowing her eyes.

“The man in my head,” Dean said quietly. “The angel’s daddy.”

“Oh baby. That’s just a dream. They aren’t real,” Mary said gently, breathing a sigh of relief. 

“This one is,” Dean said, voice growing quieter. “I was there. So was…” 

“Dean?” A light snore was the only answer Mary got and she gave a quiet laugh, shutting the door behind her.

**  
“He’s so little,” Dean said, staring into the baby carrier in awe. “Can I hold him?” 

“Are your hands clean?” John asked, smiling at his older son.

“Um…” Dean looked at them, checking to make sure all the chocolate was gone. “Yes!”

“Well, sit down and then you can hold him. Just for a little.”

Dean gasped and scrambled onto the couch, toes wiggling in excitement. 

“Put your arms out like this, baby,” Mary said, slipping a pillow under his elbow as John unbuckled Sam and brought him over. Dean gazed down as the baby was set in his arms, suddenly quiet and very still.

“When will he get bigger?” Dean asked, voice small and overwhelmed. 

“Sooner than you think. He might even be bigger than you one day.”

“Nu-uh!” Dean protested, then gasped as Sam squirmed. Blue eyes blinked open and the baby began to whimper, letting out small hitching cries. John went to take him back, but Dean shook his head. “Sorry, Sammy,” he muttered. “I guess if you’re tall that’s okay. But I’ll always be the biggest. Right, dad?”

John smiled and backed away as the baby stopped crying as Dean rocked him, winking at Mary. “Of course.” 

**  
Lawrence, Kansas- 1985

“Uncle Bobby? Why can’t I see momma?”

Bobby looked down, wiping the oil from his hands and swinging Dean into his arms. “I thought you were on the porch with your cars,” he said, leaning against the side of the Impala.

“I wanted to see momma, so I went up stairs and dad yelled at me to go away,” Dean said sadly. “He said I couldn’t see her.”

“Dean, your momma is very sick,” Bobby said gently.

“Why?” 

“Because sometimes...sometimes bad things happen.”

“Why?” Dean asked, frowning.

“They just do. That’s how the world works. God gives and takes away, boy.” 

“But...she’s my momma. Why is God gonna do that? He doesn’t need a mom.” 

“Well, see,” Bobby hesitated. “Your mom is gonna have to... play with the angels for a little. The angels don’t have a momma.”

“But she’s mine,” Dean said, eyes filling with tears. “She has to stay!”

“The angels are just gonna borrow her. You’ll see her again.” 

“NO!” Dean wriggled out of Bobby’s hold, dropping down to the ground. He cried out in pain as he fell, scraping his hands on the cement. Tears falling, he ran away and into the house, darting up the stairs into his parent’s room and onto the bed before his father could stop him. 

“Dean!” John snapped, tugging him off. “Your mother is sleeping!”

“John…” Mary said faintly. “It’s fine. I told you. Come here, baby.” Dean sniffled and pulled away from his father, crawling back onto the bed and curling into Mary’s side. “Why are you crying?”

“Because...because I hate the angels!” Dean said, lip quivering as he wiped his tears away even as more took their place. Mary and John exchanged a look. 

“Why would you say that, Dean?”

“Because Uncle Bobby said you had to go to them soon,” Dean sniffed. “They’re gonna take you away, just cause they wanna play with you. You’re my momma, not theirs!” 

“Dean,” Mary said, biting her lip as her eyes watered. “I’m your momma, and I’ll always be your momma. But I’m sick, baby. I’m really sick and it hurts.”

“Then go to the doctor,” Dean said, rubbing his eyes. “They’ll fix you.”

“They can’t. That’s why I’m gonna go play with the angels. That way...it won’t hurt. They’re gonna fix me, baby.” 

“I don’t want you to go,” Dean said, a fresh wave of tears falling down. “I don’t! Why can’t the doctors make it better?"

“They just can’t, baby,” Mary said, swallowing hard. “Sometimes, there are some things doctors can’t do.” 

Dean shook his head. “Then I hate them too! I hate everyone! I huh-hate the doctors and, and the angels, and God! They’re mean!” 

Mary tried to pull him close and Dean pushed her away. “No! You’re leaving me! I hate you too!”

“Dean!” John shouted. “That’s enough!”

Dean began to sob, tears running down his cheeks as his body shuddered. “You’re my momma. Not theirs!” He buried his head in Mary’s chest and she rocked him as best she could. 

“You don’t hate me, baby. I know that,” she said, tears dripping from yellowed eyes. “You love me. And I will always love you.”

“Why do I hurt?” Dean sobbed. “Am I sick too?”

“No, baby. Your heart is hurting. It’ll get better.”

“I don’t get it,” Dean said, shaking his head. 

“I know, baby. You’re too little. When you’re older, you’ll understand,” Mary began to cough and John hurried to hand her a tissue. Dean whimpered and curled in closer as her chest shook. “You’ll understand…” Mary repeated, laying her head back on the pillow and closing her eyes. 

**

“Jesus Christ, Dean! That’s the third time this week,” John snapped, hands tight on the steering wheel. 

Dean ignored his father, staring out the window, arms crossed.

“Why were you fighting again? Answer me, boy!” 

“They were picking on Sammy,” Dean said, biting his cheek. “I made them stop.” 

“Sam needs to learn to fight his own battles. You need to learn to keep your mouth shut and your hands to yourself."

Dean kept silent, and as the car stopped, he swung himself out and took off down the road. John watched him go with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He walked into the house, taking in the sight of bills piled up on the table, and the dark bottle beckoning him over. With a guilty glance at the clock, he sat down, pushing the envelopes aside and pouring a glass.

When Dean came home a few hours later, he found Sam, bruised and quiet, doing his homework next to John, the bottle hidden away as their father snored.

**  
"You're re-enlisting?" Dean shouted, jumping from his seat.

"Look. There isn't any work around here. I don't have a choice," John sighed. "You'll go to Bobby's, stay there. We’ll start you both in school in the middle of the year, but I timed it so it’ll be at the beginning of the winter semester.” 

"Who the hell is gonna take care of me and Sammy? That crazy old man?" 

“He’s not crazy,” John said, eyes dangerous. 

Dean scoffed, rolling his eyes. “He’s a crazy God nut. Always praying for his dead wife and shit.” John stepped forward, hand raised in an unspoken threat. 

“Stop it,” Sam said quietly from the doorway, startling both of them. “Dad, don’t. Dean, Uncle Bobby has always been good to us. He misses her, of course he prays.” He stepped into the room, the light revealing a fresh black eye and scabbed split lip. John stepped back guiltily and Sam turned to Dean. “Would it really be that bad to switch schools?” He shrugged, gesturing to his face. “And Uncle Bobby is nice. And…” He trailed off, looking to John and swallowing. He shook his head and turned away, leaving the room.

“And I’m a fuck up of a father, and Bobby could do better,” John said, letting go of a broken laugh. “There you go, Dean. There’s your reason.” 

“You’ve been drinking today already, haven’t you?” Dean asked. “How the hell are you gonna make it cold turkey in the army? Why are they even taking you?”

John met his gaze, eyes bleary and red. “I have no idea. But it’s the only place I’m gonna be able to stop.”

Dean scoffed. “I can’t believe you sometimes.”

“Neither can I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:
> 
> -Mention of bullying  
> -Mention of alcoholism  
> -Mention of cancer & parent death from cancer  
> -Crap parenting from John Winchester


	3. Intermission

“Oh no you don’t, Dean, where the hell you been?” Bobby said, wiping his hands off at the sound of footsteps. “I had the school calling me up, saying you took off after second period. You can’t keep skipping or else you won’t graduate -Christ boy, what happened to you?” he asked, sliding out from under the car.

Dean avoided his eyes. “Nuthin’. I’m fine, just didn’t wanna be at school today.”

“Dean, who did this to you?” Bobby said gruffly, standing up and tipping his chin up to the light.

“No one,” Dean said tugging away and wincing as the movement pulled on his fresh scabs.

“You’ve been misbehaving since you got here, sneaking out every Friday night, coming home from school bruised and battered. What is going on with you? You only got a few months left and you’re done. Don’t fuck it up, Dean.”

“I’m not the one fucking it up,” Dean snapped. “I’m not my dad.”

“I didn’t say you were,” Bobby retorted, clapping him on the shoulder and steering him to sit on the porch steps. “And your father tried his best to raise you boys, so don't go disrespecting him. He did a damn sight better than mine. I still got scars.”

Dean stayed quiet as Bobby ducked into the house, coming out with a bag of frozen peas.

“I know you can fight back. So why aren’t you?” Bobby asked, handing it over. “You can tell me, Dean.”

“I fight back,” Dean muttered. “Just ain’t much of a fair fight seven to one.”

“Alright, I’m going up to the school. Gonna give them a piece of my mind. Or I’ll talk to the parents,” Bobby sighed, standing up.

“No!” Dean snapped, panic creeping into his voice. “You can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“Cause.”

“Look boy, you can’t give me a straight answer, I’m going up there. Someone threatening you or something? Did you get in with a bad crowd?”

“No,” Dean muttered, fingers going to the scrape across his temple.

“Then what are you hiding?” Bobby demanded in frustration slamming his fist into the post of the porch. Dean flinched and Bobby narrowed his eyes, lowering his hands. “Dean, you know I wouldn’t hurt you. No matter what it is. I might be mad, but I won’t lay a hand on you. You’re safe here.”

Dean mumbled something to the floor.

“What?” Bobby asked gently, crouching in front of the teenager, concern etched across his face.

“They’re saying stuff. About me,” Dean muttered a bit louder.

“So what? It’s just words. Why are you getting in fights about it?”

“I’m not. They’re the ones hitting me. They’re trying to…” Dean trailed off, shaking his head. “Nevermind.”

“Dean,” Bobby said, gruff voice gentle as he set a hand on Dean’s knee. “Tell me, boy.”

“They found out something. About me. Where I go on Friday night.”

“Where are you going?”

“A support group,” Dean admitted, face burning with shame.

“For what?” Bobby asked, surprise flitting across his face.

“For…” Dean hesitated, looking away again.

“Tell me,” Bobby prompted.

“For gay people," Dean said hoarsely, shrinking into himself.

"Yeah?" Bobby said. "For you or for someone else?"

"For me," Dean said, blinking back tears as he stared at his feet.

"Ain't anything wrong with that," Bobby said, wrapping an arm around him. Dean let a strangled noise escape him and tucked himself into Bobby's chest. "Whoa now, don't get all girly on me. So what? You like dick." Dean shook his head, hands clutching hard at his thighs. "Dean, this doesn't change anything. What, did you think I was gonna toss you out? Family don't end with blood, boy. We're family."

"But I'm a..."

"A what?"

"It just ain't natural," Dean muttered, voice muffled in Bobby’s chest.

"The hell it ain't. I seen more gay critters in nature then I seen nice humans, and I think I know what is or isn’t natural."

"Dad won't-"

"Your father has a problem with it, he can go through me. And he better not have a damn problem," Bobby said, patting him awkwardly on the back. "And Dean?"

"What?"

"You know your momma wouldn't care either, right?"

Dean tensed, pulling away from him. "But, she was always-"

"I'm always in my bible too, and there's nothing in there that makes a difference. Trust me. Your mother was a good woman, liked everyone. And God forbid anyone threaten her kids happiness."

"But-"

"But _nothing_. As long as you're happy with yourself, she'd be happy for you."

Dean nodded and scrubbed at his face. "I don't...have anyone to talk to," he muttered.

"What about this group of yours?"

"I don't talk in the group, I haven't gone in yet. I just stand at the door," Dean admitted.

Bobby sighed. "You want me to come with you next time?"

"You'd come?" Dean asked, swallowing hard.

"Course I would."

Dean nodded. "Yeah... please."

"All right then," Bobby said. "You gonna be okay?"

"I think so," Dean said. "Don't...don't tell Sammy."

"I'm not gonna tell anyone, that's your tale to tell." Bobby stood. "But you gotta stop skipping school. And start fighting back or report them. Now come on, help me with this car. And I think you should tell Sammy, unless you want him to hear it at school first."

Dean sighed and came over as Bobby popped the hood of the Chevy. "I don't want him to..."

Bobby handed over a wrench and a rag. "It ain't gonna change the way he sees you. You're his big brother."

"I haven't told anyone before," Dean said a few minutes later, tinkering with a fan belt, rag tucked away in his back pocket.

"Glad you told me, shouldn't have to keep stuff like that to yourself," Bobby grunted, under the car once more. "You got a fella or no?"

"I don't...uh...just like dudes," Dean said, reddening again. "I like both."

"All right. Got anyone then?"

"Not really," Dean muttered. "I'm kinda talking to this one girl. But no."

"Well, if you do start going with someone," Bobby said, pushing himself out from under the car and wiping his hands off as he fixed Dean with a glare. "You be safe, understand? Boy or girl. I don't care who you take up with, but you don't get to be stupid."

"I know,” Dean said, face going red. “Bobby?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, boy. Now, hand me that wrench and go wait at the bus stop for your brother.”

“Yeah, all right.”

**  
**1999-Bobby’s House**

“So, what are you doing from here?” Rufus asked, looking around before handing Dean a beer.  
Dean nodded in thanks, rolling his eyes when Bobby shook his head at Rufus from where he was manning the grill. “You’re almost twenty now.”

“I’m gonna go military,” Dean said. “Can’t get a job, didn’t have the test scores for college- and I don’t want to go anyway. Sammy’s the smart one.”

Rufus whistled. “Bobby’d said somethin’ but I wasn’t thinkin’ you were serious about it. What branch?”

“Army,” Dean said, looking down the neck of his bottle. “Sammy ain’t happy. And I know Bobby’s not pleased, even though he’s not saying anything.”

“It’s not that,” Rufus sighed. “Look, don’t tell him I told you, but he’s worried you’re just doing this to prove something to John.”

Dean snorted and took a swig. “I’m not trying to prove anything to that bastard.”

“You sure?” Rufus asked.

Dean glared at him. “I’m done with him. He doesn’t care.”

Rufus shook his head. “Dean, doing this-”

“-Is my decision,” Dean snapped. “He wanted a little soldier, no surprise he got one. And no surprise he’s not here to send me off. You know how many times he left me and Sammy alone to go drink and fuck with whoever was willing? I was six the first time. Six.” Rufus shut his mouth, concern flitting through his eyes as Dean kept going. “And his hunting trips. Fucking lies, all of them. The only thing he was hunting was a warm bed so he didn’t have to see us. You know what he did once?” Dean gave a cold laugh. “Came in, drunk off his ass. Saw I’d spilled a bottle of water on the ground in the kitchen. Beat my ass and then fell down in the living room. You know what I did?”

Rufus shook his head.

“I cleaned him up,” Dean said bitterly. “Cleaned up his mess, managed to get him onto the sofa. Woulda put him in bed, but I couldn’t lift him. I was ten.” He pushed the bottle at Rufus and walked off, hands shoved in his pockets.

**  
“Dean?” Sam said, knocking on the door. Dean sat up, blinking and yawning as he clicked on the light.

“Dude, it’s like four am. What is it?”

Sam shuffled his feet, and hesitated. “I just…”

“Just?”

“Just come home, okay?” he said quickly, hiding his face by looking at his bare feet. “I want you to promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

Dean laughed. “Sammy-”

“Promise, Dean,” Sam snapped. “Dad’s missing already, mom’s dead, I don’t wanna have to lose you too.” He looked up, biting his lip as he fought tears. “I love you. You’re my brother.”

Dean sighed and shifted over. “Come here,” he said, patting the bed. Sam walked over, climbing under the covers. “I’m not gonna do anything stupid. And I’m not gonna turn into dad. I promise. I probably won’t even get sent anywhere, there isn’t a war on.”

“There’s gonna be,” Sam said grimly. “One of my teachers, she’s new. From somewhere up in Michigan. She sees stuff. Know’s things.”

“And she’s saying there's gonna be a war?”

“Yeah,” Sam replied. Dean sighed, and turned off the light, laying back. The moon threw shadows into the room, their quiet breathing almost echoes.

Dean broke the silence a few moment’s later. “You know I’m gonna come back right? That I’ll never leave you.”

Sam nodded, but swallowed hard, turning his head into Dean’s chest. Dean didn’t mention the hot tears he felt dripping onto his shirt as he closed his eyes. “Good night, Sammy.”

**  
“You’re gonna end up drowning you stay out here much longer.”

Dean looked up from his boots at the voice, blinking at the hand in his face and the looming clouds. “Hey Benny. ”

“C’mon now, brother. Whatever it is, it ain’t as bad as you think.”

“You don’t know that.”

Benny sighed and sat down beside him. “Maybe not, but I know we’re about to look like two bayou rats in five minutes.”

Dean snorted, smiling faintly at him. He sighed a moment later, and tugged a letter out of his boot, handing it over. “It’s my father.”

“What about him?”

“He’s missing.” Dean shrugged. “Been missing for a while now.”

Benny took the letter. “Is this from him?”

“Nope. My brother.” Dean licked his lips. “Sam. He’s a good kid, but he’s worried about me.”

“Can you blame him? We’re bein’ sent to an active war zone in bout three weeks.”

“I promised I’d come back. Sam knew that the war was going to happen. He said one of his teachers could see the future.”

“Yeah? I ain’t surprised,” Benny said, leaning back. “Seen a lotta stuff in my time. I’d believe it.”

“Benny?” Dean said quietly. “What...what if I don’t come back?”

Benny sighed. “You know something, Dean? I been doin’ this for a real long time. And it might seem real bad, but if a person ain’t coming back. They know. We always know.” Dean nodded and stood, just as the rain began to pour.

Benny chuckled and grabbed him by the hand, standing and ducking into the space between two buildings. He tugged Dean to his chest, glancing around. “You know somethin’?”  
Dean grinned up at him. “What’s that?”

“My bunk mate’s on leave. And I get real cold at night. Don’t like sleepin’ alone when it rains.”

“That an invitation?” Dean asked, slyly pressing his hips forward.

“You know it, brother.”

**  
“Dean, Anna’s dead, come on we gotta go!” Benny shouted, grabbing him by the pack and tugging.

“She’s not! I heard her!” Dean said, fighting to get back to the uniformed woman lying still on the ground.

“You didn’t hear her, you heard that kid. Tommy got him already,” Benny said, pulling him harder. “You’re gonna get us killed! We’ll come back for her! ”

“Benny, she’s alive, I can’t leave her there,” Dean shouted, breaking free as he threw his pack on the ground.

“Dammit Dean!” Benny snarled, running back in after him as another volley of gunfire popped across the dusty square.

**  
**2002**

Bobby came in, grabbing the phone as it rang. "Hello?"

"Hey, Bobby."

"Dean! How you been, boy? Wasn't expecting you to call."

"I've been better," Dean said. "Sammy around?"

"Naw, he's at chemistry lessons or something," Bobby said, moving into the kitchen. "I'll tell him you called, he'll be crushed he missed you."

"Well, actually I was hoping you wouldn't."

Bobby stiffened, pulling out a chair and sitting down. "Everything alright, Dean?"

"I got shot, Bobby. I'm fine, but well, I can't fight anymore. They're sending me home."

"Where?" Bobby asked, voice hoarse.

"My leg. I still got it, but I'm gonna need some time before I walk proper again." Dean let out a dry chuckle. "They said I'd be kinda bow legged anyway. I told em I'd always walked that way."

"When are you coming?"

"Few weeks. I wanna surprise Sam. I know he'll be graduating and I'll be there in time. Supposed to fly in that day, was hoping you'd drive up and get me."

"You know I will."

"I'll call back when I know more. Nothing but free time on my hands right now."

"Two tours under your belt and you get shot now?" Bobby grouched. "You trying to scare me to death boy?"

"Naw Bobby. Just give you a little heart attack." Dean chuckled again. "Look, I gotta get off this line but...you heard anything about dad?"

"He's still missing, Dean. I'm sorry. He's alive though. A veteran on the streets, we would heard if he'd died. You know we got channels. That much I know."

"All right. Oh, and Bobby?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

**

"And last, but not least, our valedictorian Samuel Winchester!"

The seventeen year old stood, graduation robes too short on his lanky frame and walked up to the stage. He accepted his diploma, shaking the hands of the school board members lined up. As he reached the end of the stage, a teacher leaned in and muttered something with a smile. Sam paused, looking out to where Bobby was sitting in the front row. Instead of the empty seat that had been beside him, there was now a soldier, leaning on a crutch as he stood and clapped. Sam, in all his infinite wisdom, dropped the diploma and ran, slamming into his brother as the crowd around them clapped, announcer explaining.

"Please help us welcome home, Sam's brother, Dean Winchester, just back from Afghanistan after being awarded the Purple Heart and a medal of valor."

Dean ignored them, clutching Sam tight. "Good job Sammy. Knew you could do it."

"You weren't supposed to be back yet!"

"Well, I got shot," Dean muttered. "And you are kinda squeezing on some bruises."

"Jerk," Sam muttered pulling back and surreptitiously wiping his eyes.

"Bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -Implied abusive actions aka. John Winchester is a crap parent  
> -Alcohol abuse  
> -Wartime injury


	4. Shadowed Tags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the bottom as always.

“Dean?” Bobby muttered, coming into the kitchen with a yawn. “What the hell you doing down here, boy?” 

“Just couldn’t sleep,” Dean said, voice rough with exhaustion. “Thought I’d do some cleaning.”

“It’s five in the morning, you sleep at all?” Bobby asked, fixing the coffee maker with a few well placed smacks until it began to bubble, coffee dripping down.

“A little,” Dean said. He stood, stiff and slow, and tossed his rag into the sink, brushing the knees of his jeans off. “Got those cupboards all cleaned off. I’ll sand them today, give ‘em a coat of paint.”

“Thought you were going out, looking for a job today?” Bobby asked, staring into his empty mug.

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Dean said. “Probably ain’t gonna have any luck.” 

Bobby looked him over, face set with traces of concern. “You sure you’re all right? You don’t look so good.” 

“Just ain’t sleepin’ much,” Dean muttered. “I’m gonna go shower, since you’re awake.”

“All right. Might be gone when you get back. Going out with Rufus, huntin’ trip.”

“I remember. Be back late tonight, right?” 

“Yeah,” Bobby said, waving him out of the kitchen. 

**  
Rufus whistled, stepping into the kitchen and examining the cupboards, the smell of fresh paint thick in the air. “Damn, Bobby. Whole thing looks just about new.” 

Bobby nodded, placing the packaged meat on the table, fiddling with a bit of twine “Yeah. He’s doin’ good.”

“But you’re still worried ‘bout him. I know you, man. You got it all up in your head, but won’t say nothing.” 

Bobby grunted noncommittally and scooped the meat up again, disappearing to put it in the freezer. Rufus rolled his eyes and pulled out two beers from the fridge, twisting the caps off and sitting down at the table. He held one up as Bobby walked past, Bobby taking it and sitting down across from him. They drank in silence for a few moments, before Bobby sighed. 

“He’s drinkin’,” he said, tearing the label from his bottle. “He’s not letting me see him, but I know he’s got a bottle of Jack up in his room. Smell it on his breath.” 

Rufus nodded, taking a swig. “Drinking like John? Or just drinking?” 

“He’s doing it so he don’t have the nightmares,” Bobby said. “He don’t like it, and he doesn’t wanna do it, but he does it anyway. Can’t help himself.”

“So, he’s drinking so he doesn’t dream?” Rufus asked, leaning forward. 

Bobby nodded. “Yep.”

Rufus shook his head. “Can’t do anything about it then.”

“Nope.” 

“He seein’ somebody?”

“You think that boy’d go an’ talk to some shrink about his problems?” Bobby shook his head. “You know how John was. Dean...Dean’s just like him. Don’t talk about his issues, don’t talk about what he saw over there, what he did. Let’s it all boil over. An’ I don’t wanna see what happens if something sets him off.” 

“You uh...you want me to…” Rufus hesitated, taking another drink. 

“What?”

“Take your guns home with me,” Rufus said, meeting Bobby’s eyes. “You worried about that?

 

“No. He won’t do that,” Bobby said. “No matter how bad it gets.”

“How do you know?”

Bobby sighed. “He won’t leave Sammy. He’d do anything, fight anything to stay here for that boy. He just needs time. Needs someone other than me to remind him.”

“All right, then. All right.” Rufus leaned back in his chair, taking another sip as Bobby did the same. The silence was broken with a sudden shout and the sound of a body slamming into the wooden floor. “What the hell?”

“Dean,” Bobby said, jumping up. “He must not have been drinking tonight. Look, I gotta-”

“Go,” Rufus said. “Go help your boy.” 

Bobby nodded and left the room, rushing up the stairs. He pushed open the door to Dean’s room, quietly standing in the doorway. 

“Their eyes,” Dean said, voice rough, curled in the corner of the room, knees pulled to his chest. “Their fucking eyes, Bobby. Why...why are they black? All black. Like they’re some kinda demon.”

Bobby sighed and sat down next to him. “I don’t know, boy. I don’t know.” 

Dean bit his lip, pressing his face to his knees. “Am I a bad person?” he muttered weakly.

“No,” Bobby replied, voice weary with all his years, rubbing at his eyes.

“Then why do I see them?” 

“Don’t know. Don’t have the answers you’re looking for .”

Dean let out a broken, choked laugh. “Does anyone?”

Bobby shook his head, and squeezed Dean’s shoulder. “Not in this existence, Dean.”

“God owes me a hell of a lot,” Dean said. “That bastard’s had it out for me since day one.” Bobby chuckled, and they fell silent. When the clock ticked to the next hour, a bright red three-zero-zero making the only light in the room, Bobby was still sitting on the ground. Dean’s head had migrated to his lap as the younger man slept, curled like the child he hadn’t been. 

“Bobby?” Rufus said quietly,, stepping inside. Bobby met his eyes and Rufus hesitated at the haunted look. “You know what...never mind.” He stepped in, taking the blanket from the end of the bed and spreading it over them. “I’ll be here in the morning, all right? I’mma crash in the guest bedroom.” Bobby nodded and Rufus squeezed his shoulder, shutting the door quietly behind him as he left. 

 

**  
"Dean? You gotta phone call!" Bobby called, standing on the porch with the phone. 

"Thanks, Bobby," Dean said, limping in, leg stiff from standing all day, head buried beneath the hood of an ‘88 Mustang. "Hello? Benny!" Bobby watched as a grin spread over Dean's face, his whole body lighting up. "Seriously? Of course. Whenever, I'm not doing anything special, just working on some of the cars. That's good! I'll see you." 

"Who was that?" Bobby asked as Dean hung up the phone.

"Just a friend. He was in my unit," Dean said, going a bit red. "He's in town."

"Boy, don't act like I didn't catch you and Lisa going at it on my couch back in high school when you were ‘just friends’. You need me to take off?"

"No, I think we're gonna go out. He's got a car up here, was driving through and well..."

"Alright. Be safe." 

"Bobby?" Dean asked as the man turned away. 

"Yeah?" 

"Would you...like to meet him?" 

Bobby paused, a smile flitting over his face. “Course. How about you bring him back for dinner?” Dean nodded, grinning.

**

After dinner, Dean and Benny sat on the porch stoop, an empty beer bottle each by their side. The crickets and the sound of Bobby cleaning up dishes in the kitchen muffled by the heavy, humid air. Dean’s leg is stretched out in front of him, Benny’s hand just touching his hip. 

"Bobby’s real nice. I see what you meant about him bein' a grumpy ol' teddy bear," Benny said quietly. "He loves you."

Dean chuckled and tipped his head to rest against Benny's arm. "He was good to me. Damn sight better than I deserved at that age."

"You had issues to work though," Benny replied, hand sliding back to rub at Dean's back as they fell silent again.

“How long are you in town?” Dean asked after a few minutes, while a roll of far off thunder growled.

“Not long,” Benny said, looking down at him. “Dean-”

“You’re going back, aren’t you?” Dean asked, looking away. 

Benny sighed. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Truth is, I could use a break from all this,” Benny said, gesturing around. 

“Really been that tough?” 

“I’m not a good fit, Dean. I don't belong. And after a while... that starts to wear on you,” Benny said. “I can’t even go to the grocery store without waiting for someone to jump out at me. I take down the license plate of every car I see, in case it’s my last time seeing it before it bursts into a ball of flames. ” 

“Well, when you get back over here, we're gonna fix all that, okay?”

Benny shook his head, and brought his hand up to cover Dean’s. “Dean, that’s the thing. It’s PTSD, but it ain’t gonna be fixed with a little bit of therapy. When Andrea died, you know it’s what sent me over the first time. And I came back and I thought I’d be fine. But I’m not. I...there ain’t anything keeping me here.”

“I thought…”

“Dean, you know that ain’t what I meant.” Benny turned to him. “Com’on let’s go for a walk. You need to stretch your leg and I think we should talk.” 

“Benny. I-”

“Dean, I told you the first time that I wasn’t any kinda good for a relationship. Andrea....she was my lady." Benny pulled him up, wrapping his arms around him and walking them away, leaning against a mangled pickup. "And I loved her like no one else."

"I'm not asking for you to-"

"Dean, I love you, brother," Benny said quietly, cupping Dean's face as they stood in the shadows. Dean looked up at him, swallowing. "An' I know you love me. But it ain't gonna work. Not between us. I'm good for a quick lay for you, an' well that's it." 

Dean shook his head. "But I want you." 

"But I ain't what you need, Dean," Benny said softly. " I'm not what you're looking for. I know the kinda love that lasts and it ain't what we have. You'll always be my brother and I'll be around for you as long as I can. But I'm not what you're looking for."

"I know what I'm looking for," Dean said, clutching his hands and pulling them to his chest. "It's you, Benny."

Benny shook his head, pulling his hands away to cradle Deans face. "I'm a poor imitation of what you deserve to find," he muttered. "The bayou don't serve up angels, Dean, so I know you and I can't happen." He leaned in, pressing their lips together. "You should have better."

Dean pulled him closer, ignoring the pang in his leg. “I don’t want better,” he growled. “I want you. Here and now.” He rutted against Benny’s thigh.

“Dean,” Benny protested. “This ain’t gonna make me stay. Nothin’ can.” 

“I don’t care! I’m tired of feeling useless, watching everyone leave me behind,” Dean snapped, burying his face against Benny’s neck, biting and nipping. “Mom died, dad left, Sammy’s going away to college. I didn’t even realize how much I missed you and now you’re leaving again,” he said hoarsely. 

"I gotta, Dean. Ain't a place for me here anymore," Benny said, tilting his head up to stare at the sky. "You're the only friend I got left. Only lover that'll see me now that I'm...this." 

Dean bit down hard, marking the dip of Benny's neck. "No. You're not a monster. You’re human. You're...loved and good and mine," he choked out, hidden in the darkness. "Please don't. You go back there, it’s like I’m not good enough, like I’m the one sending you back.” 

"I hafta. You ain’t responsible for this, " Benny muttered. "Dean, please." A spray of lightning flashed in the distance, illuminating their tear streaked faces. "Dean...." 

"Benny, please..." Dean pleaded, pushing as close as he could get, sliding a leg between Benny's. 

Benny groaned as Dean whimpered against his skin. "I don't have-"

"In my pocket," Dean said, tugging him down, pulling him to the ground and straddling his waist. "I want you." 

"Dean, you don't have to-" 

Dean cupped his face roughly, eyes flashing with another crack of lightening. “Give me this. Please.” He leaned down and claimed Benny’s mouth, thrusting his tongue inside. 

“Let me take you somewhere,” Benny panted, breaking away. “We don’t have to be on the ground. Don’t hafta rush this time.” 

“I’m not gonna ask again,” Dean said, tipping their foreheads together. “Take me. Here.” 

With another groan, Benny gave in, rolling them over, hand sliding over Dean's stomach.  
"Dammit, Dean. What do you want?"

"I wanna be happy," Dean groaned. "Just wanna be happy." He leaned up, grasping the back of Benny's neck, pulling him down just as the skies opened up above them. "Please," Dean pleaded, opening his mouth to Benny as the water streamed down.

"Dean..." Benny breathed, claiming his mouth just as lightning cracked across the sky. 

**  
“So, when do you get shipped out?” Dean asked, standing on Bobby’s porch the next morning. 

“Three days,” Benny said, hands in his pockets, shrugging a bit. “I’m goin’ up now. Gotta fill out paperwork and all. I uh, was hoping to talk to you about that. Need a favour, an’ I meant to ask last night, but...”

Dean narrowed his eyes in confusion. “What do you need?”

“I ain’t got any family, Dean. None that’ll take care of stuff if something happens.

“Benny, what are you askin’ me?” Dean asked hoarsely. “You want me listed as next of kin?”

Benny nodded. “You’re the only one who’d care, brother.” 

“I don’t...I won’t have to do anything,” Dean said, stepping down to meet him. “Cause you’re gonna come back to me, you hear? You still gotta make me that gumbo.”

Benny chuckled. “So that’s an okay?”

“Yeah, Benny. It’s fine,” Dean said, setting a hand on his shoulder. “You gonna write to me?” 

“Course.” Benny smiled at him, and Dean smiled back, ignoring the lie in his eyes. They held each others gaze for a minute before Dean coughed, and Benny averted his eyes. “Right, well I better-”

“Get goin’,” Dean said, nodding at him. “Yeah.”

“Dean,” Benny said hesitantly. “I uh…” He trailed off, and with a shrug, pulled Dean into a hug. “”m gonna miss you, brother. Don’t get up to too much trouble without me, okay? Ain’t gonna be here to save your ass like I was there.” 

"Yeah right. I'm the one who should be saving your ass."

"You already did," Benny said, letting him go. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper, folded in on itself. "Here. Don't open that till I'm gone now, you hear?" 

"What is this?" Dean asked, looking at him as he took it. 

"Just something I've been telling you for a long time." 

Wordlessly, Dean slipped it into his pocket and stepped forward, putting a hand on Benny's shoulder. He curled his thumb, letting it drift over the bones hidden beneath skin. He looked up, meeting Benny's eyes and then they were kissing again. Benny moved his head closer, whiskers scraping against Dean's stubbled cheeks. their tongues slow, but desperate as they each shifted to deepen the kiss. Dean brought his arms up, wrapping them around Benny's neck. Benny cupped his face, one hand pressing against Dean's lower back, pulling him closer. 

At the sound of a car passing on the dirt road, they broke apart, breathing hard. 

"Benny...I'm sorry," Dean whispered, looking away. 

"Ain't nothin' you gotta be sorry for, brother. You just keep on healing, you hear me?" Benny said softly. He stepped away after a final lingering look and climbed into his truck. "Goodbye, Dean." 

Dean gave a stiff nod, raising his hand in farewell as Benny backed out of the drive, turning onto the road. When the pick up wasn't visible anymore, Dean let himself walk back into the house, shutting the door behind him. He lifted a shaking hand to cover his mouth, block the cries that were clamoring in his head for attention as he slid down the wall. He bit his lip hard, and squeezed his eyes shut as his breathing stuttered. 

"All right, come on," Bobby said, lifting him, coaxing him off the floor. "Dean, breath for me, boy."

"It fucking hurts, Bobby," Dean choked out, shaking as he was led to a ratty and worn couch. "He knows." 

"He knows?" Bobby asked, holding a glass of lukewarm water to Dean's lips. Dean drank as though he was dying, even as he reached into his pocket, pressing the paper into Bobby's hand.

Bobby's eyes widened at the weight of the tags inside, even as Dean explained.

"He knows he ain't coming back. We always knew if we weren't coming back." 

**

When the knock on the door came, Dean took it with grace, thanking the soldier on the stoop, accepting the bag of belongings. Later that night, when Bobby came home from a hunting trip, he found Dean at the kitchen table, passed out. Sam wandered in, holding a finger to his lips in caution, beckoning Bobby out.

"Sam, what are you doing home?" Bobby asked quietly. "We weren't expecting you."

"Thought I'd surprise you two for Thanksgiving," Sam said quietly, sitting down on the couch and picking up his book. "Who was Benny Lafitte?" 

Bobby hesitated and sat down. "He was with your brother’s unit."

"Not just as friends, though, right?" 

"Look, Sam, it ain't my story to tell," Bobby said, rubbing at his temples. 

Sam sighed. "I know Dean is bisexual. I don't know why he hasn't told me yet, but I can guess," he said, shrugging. "All I know is that whoever Benny was to him, he's dead now. And I got home to my brother holding onto a letter and a pair of dog tags, staring down a bottle of booze. And then he didn't even respond when I took it away, just laid his head down. Didn't say a word to me."

"Look, Sam..." Bobby rubbed at his eyes. "Your brother took a lotta crap as a kid, you know that. And you know that he was real good as a soldier, because like it or not, that's how your dad raised him, trained him. He's got shit to work out, and I'm about ninety nine percent sure that Benny was the closest your brother ever got to being understood by someone."

"Did you meet him?"

"Benny? Yeah, once. He was a good guy. And he loved Dean. Dean loved him. But the way they loved each other..." Bobby shook his head. "In the end, they loved like brothers, even if they fell into bed with each other. Maybe if Benny hadn’t had whoever it was that left him with that look in his eye. Maybe if Dean actually loved him the way he thought he did. I don’t know, Sam.” 

“I’m gonna get him to a bed then,” Sam said, standing. “And we’ll see how it is in the morning.” 

Bobby stood as well, clapping Sam on the shoulder. “You ever gonna stop growing, boy?”

Sam grinned. “Maybe in another year or so. Thanks, Bobby.”

“Thanks?”

“For putting up with us.” 

Bobby shook his head. “I’d do it anywhere, any life. You know that.”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -Minor Character Death  
> -Brief mention of suicidal intent.  
> -Nightmares  
> -Alcohol abuse


	5. In The End, Unexpected

“Bobby, do we have anymore of that red paper? I ran out wrapping Sam’s-” Dean stopped, halfway down the stairs. “Bobby!” He dashed down, meeting Bobby’s prone form where he lay, breath caught in his lungs as he clutched at his head. “Fuck!”

**  
“Dean!”

“Oh god, Sammy,” Dean turned in the hospital hallway, meeting his brother in a clash of arms and condolences. “He’s alive. It was a stroke, but he’s alive.”

“What are they saying?” Sam asked.

“I saved him, I got him here in time,” Dean said. “But they’re saying he’s gonna be paralyzed. Whole left side, but with time and therapy he’ll regain use of his arm. Mostly.”

Sam let go of a heavy breath. “Well...you know something?”

“What?”

“He is not going to be happy about that.”

Dean stared at him for a moment, then burst into laughter despite the looks of derision from several nurses. “Damn, Sammy, they haven’t told him yet. They have no idea what they’re gonna get into. Those poor doctors.”

Sam shook his head. “It’s gonna be fine, Dean. We’ll just have to make a lot of excuses for him.”

Dean nodded, still chuckling as he led Sam down the hall.

**

“Look, I’m just saying that I’ve had real Indian food and that was not curry,” Dean said, laughing as Sam shook his head.

“Just because I didn’t have any-”

“You boys expecting someone?” Bobby interrupted, gesturing with his beer toward the car pulling into the drive.

Dean looked. “Not me. Sammy?”

“Jess is still visiting her aunt and the kids, she won't be here until tomorrow, late,” Sam said, standing still, dirty plates forgotten. “I don’t have anyone else who’d come here to visit me.” Dean nodded and stood as the car came to a stop, small dust clouds settling under the tires. A man got out, rumpled suit and trench coat at odds with the heat in the air.

“I’m looking for Dean Winchester,” he said. “I was hoping one of you could tell me where to find him. This is the address I have.”

“I’d say you found him already. Can I help you?” Dean asked, looking him over.

“My name is Castiel. Castiel Milton. I…had hoped to speak to about my sister.”

Dean’s hand tightened on the bottle in his hand. “You’re Anna’s brother. The priest.”

Castiel’s face stiffened almost imperceptibly as he raised a hand to his shirt collar. “Not anymore. But yes, I am Anna’s brother.” He raised his head, meeting Dean’s gaze for the first time. “And I want to thank you.”

Dean gasped, bottle falling to the ground as his knees buckled. He fought to stay standing as the blue of Castiel’s eyes swam before him, at the overwhelming sense of drowning he was experiencing. The beer pooled onto the dusty ground, bubbling as it hit his boots and still Dean was struggling.

 

_...But his soul...it was filled with this longing…._

_...I'm splitting your soul, Dean. Two halves…._

_...you will always be looking for each other…_

_….Castiel….._

 

“Dean!”

Dean jerked back into awareness at Sam’s shout, seeing the concerned looks on the faces surrounding him. “I’m fine,” he said hoarsely. “Just got a bit...hot.”

“If I’ve come at a bad time…” Castiel said quietly, looking shocked and slightly uneasy.

“No!” Dean shouted, raising an apologetic hand as Castiel jumped. “Sorry, sorry. Now is fine, really.”

The priest’s blue eyes narrowed, analyzing him carefully. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Dean said, nodding. “Honestly. Ah, have you eaten? Want a drink? There’s beer. Oh shit, priest right. And driving.”

“I’m not hungry, but thank you. A glass of water might be appreciated,” Castiel said, still looking at Dean as though he’d punched him in the stomach and then run off laughing. “Have...we met before?”

“Don’t think so,” Dean muttered. “Look, would you ah, come in?” he asked. “I’ll do my best to answer your questions if you have any.”

“That would be helpful, yes,” Castiel said, stepping forward.

Dean led him into the house, screen door creaking behind them as Bobby and Sam exchanged a puzzled look.

“He feels familiar, doesn’t he?” Sam remarked.

“Your brother seems to think so,” Bobby said, wheeling himself up the ramp into the house as Sam held the door open.

“Weird,” Sam said with a shrug, following him in, fallen drink forgotten behind them on the dry ground.

**  
“She really was an amazing woman. I never met anyone like her,” Dean said, leaning forward on his elbows. “And I’m sorry I didn’t make the funeral. I still kinda blame myself.”

“Don’t. It is my understanding that you were struggling with a death in your own family. I don’t expect she’d have minded,” Castiel said gently.

“Yeah. My dad,” Dean scoffed. “Didn’t even have a funeral for him. Got a letter, said he’d died months before. It’s fine.” He sighed and hesitated, biting at his lip. “Did she…Did Anna…?”

“Suffer?” Castiel finished for him. “No. I don’t believe so. I can’t believe so,” he said. “The crash was quick, the impact apparently snapping her neck.” He brought a hand up to his collar again. “In any case, I really must go.” He stood, collecting his coat and jacket from the back of the chair, neglecting to roll his shirt sleeves back down. “Thank you again, Dean. For saving her.”

“Anyone would have done it.”

“Not anyone would have gone back into enemy fire for a team member. Do not put yourself or your sacrifices down.”

“Father,” Dean started, only to stop as Castiel held up a hand.

“Please don’t,” he said, pain lacing his voice.

“Don’t?” Dean asked.

“I am no longer a member of the church,” Castiel said. “I have left the service, and set out to...find myself again.” He nodded at Dean, changing the subject. “Anna would have been pleased to see you are happy. She spoke very highly of you.”

“Thank you.” Dean stood, extending a hand. “If there is anything I can do for you…” He trailed off, meeting Castiel’s eyes.

“Can you tell me a good motel I can find in town?” Castiel asked, a bit of color coming to his cheeks. “I do not have any plans past locating you and speaking to you about Anna.”

“Uh. Well, there’s a knife show in town. Everything is probably full,” Dean said with a shrug.

Castiel nodded. “I will drive to the next town. Or I can sleep in my car. It would not be the first time I have had to-”

‘You can stay here,” Dean said abruptly. “I mean...it’s late. Don’t need you driving around in the dark, getting lost. Bobby won’t mind and I know you’re a good person. Anna’s favourite brother.”

Castiel hesitated, and Dean backpedaled, flushing himself. “Only if you want to. I don’t want to force you into anything, it’s just we have the room and then if you wanted, we could talk some more about Anna tomorrow. I can bring out photos and I know that somewhere I have a video of her singing while she was drunk at this one town in Germany before we got sent over to…” Dean trailed off at the look on Castiel’s face. “Cas? I mean, Castiel? You okay, man?”

“You would give shelter to a near stranger?” Castiel asked, face screwed in an expression of utter concentration as he stared at Dean.

“Well, yeah. You need somewhere to stay, don’t you?” Dean said, reaching a hand out, almost unknowingly.

Castiel nodded. “I would...like that. It has been a while since...I was shown kindness that was not mixed with pity,” Castiel said. “Thank you, Dean.”

“It’s no problem. You have a bag?”

“In the car.”

“Let’s get it then,” Dean said. “And I’ll show you which room you can stay in.”

As the men walked past them, Sam turned to Bobby, setting down his book. “Do you ever get the feeling that you are completely out of your depth?”

“Whaddya mean, boy?” Bobby grunted, shaking off the light doze he’d fallen into.

“The way they look at each other. Like they’ve know each other for years and years and were just waiting to find each other again.”

Bobby shrugged, closing his eyes again. “I don’t know anything about that. But if anyone deserves some happiness, it’s your brother.”

“I won’t argue that,” Sam said, turning back to his book. “But a priest?”

“Not anymore,” Bobby muttered, “and ain’t that just a joke and a blessing at the same time.”

**

Dean stumbled into the kitchen to the smell of bacon frying and heated dough. "What the-Castiel?"

The man turned around, plain denim jeans and ill fitting t-shirt covered by an amusingly bright pink, frilly apron. "Hello, Dean."

"Are you cooking?" Dean asked incredulously, even as his stomach let out a growl of excitement.

"I hope I am not overstepping my bounds. I wished to repay you for some of your kindness."

"By making pancakes?" Dean asked, stepping closer to look over the pan.

"I do not have many other marketable skills. I was trained as a librarian before I entered the seminary, but I was not lying when I said that I had no other plans after I located you," Castiel said quietly. "If you do not wish to eat the pancakes, I will not be-"

"Cas," Dean said, interrupting him. "This is great, really. Might need to make more though, Sammy eats like a horse and Bobby has a real sweet tooth."

"Samuel left early this morning and said he would not be back until eight. When I came downstairs, there was a blonde female with him who introduced herself as Jessica."

Dean laughed. "She musta surprised him by coming down early. That's his fiancée."

"I see," Castiel said, slipping another pancake onto a half full plate. "And Bobby was here until just before ten, when someone knocked on the door. A man named Rufus was requiring his help to quote ‘hide a body.’" He looked up at Dean, eyes serious. "Should I have been concerned? Bobby did laugh.”

"Rufus is a hunter," Dean said, sitting down. "He probably just had some venison for Bobby, wanted help butchering."

"You have a very strange family, Dean," Castiel replied, handing him a plate stacked high with pancakes and bacon.

"You think Sam and Bobby are strange, wait till you meet Charlie and Jo," Dean said, biting in with a moan. "Holy shit, these are good."

Castiel flushed slightly. "Thank you, Dean."

"You gonna eat?" Dean asked, pointing with a sticky, syrupy fork.

"Ah, yes, of course," Castiel said, bowing his head. He raised it again a few moments later, picking up his fork, and meeting Dean's eyes. "Yes, Dean?"

"Sorry," Dean said, averting his gaze. "Just...been a while since anyone prayed before eating here."

Castiel paused, and nodded slowly. "I don't know quite why I just did," he said quietly. "I...haven't since my sister's death."

Dean reached a hand out silently, covering Castiel's. "If you wanna talk about it, I ain't that good at emotional stuff. But I can uh, try."

"Thank you, Dean. Eat, please. There is still more bacon."

"Hey, Castiel," Dean said hesitantly a few minutes later, breaking the easy silence. "You said you were a librarian?"

"I was trained as a librarian before I was admitted to the seminary, yes."

"This is a real small town, and we don't have many job openings," Dean said. "But the librarian, Mrs. Tene, she's getting real old. And she's looking for some help, since she runs the history museum too. It's mostly civil war stuff in there, but we gotta lot of old books as well. I'm just thinking...if you really haven't got anywhere to go..." He trailed off, looking at Castiel's face. "Cas? Shit sorry, Castiel?"

"You may shorten my name if you wish, Dean. I do not mind," Castiel said distractedly, setting down his fork. "I...I don't have anywhere to go. And no one who would wish to see me. My family is no longer speaking to me."

"I know. I figured you could stay here until you got on your feet again. There's always apartments in town, pretty crappy but," Dean shrugged. "Bobby is used to taking in people with nowhere else to go. Hell, he only fed Rufus dinner once and he stuck around like a bad penny."

"I don't need your pity," Castiel said, narrowing his eyes.

"It ain't pity," Dean said, meeting his gaze. "It's understanding."

Castiel hesitated, then nodded. "I would like that...to stay."

Dean grinned. "Great."

**

"Hello, Dean," Castiel said, grinning as he set down the box of books he was carrying.

"Hey, Cas. Thought I'd come see you at work, figured you'd have to take a lunch eventually," Dean said, holding up a bag. "I brought burgers. Homemade, all the fixings."

"Homemade?" Castiel asked, brushing off his cardigan.

Dean shrugged. "Bobby and I finished up the Camaro. I had time. If you don't want-"

"No, Dean. It's fine. I would very much like to have lunch with you," Castiel said, reaching forward and taking the bag. He opened it and peered inside. "Oh, bacon."

"Two bacon cheeseburgers. Even went the extra mile and stole two of those pretzel buns Rufus left over the last time he was here."

"That sounds wonderful, Dean." Castiel smiled and met his eyes. "Let's sit down."

Dean smiled back and followed him into the break room.

**

Castiel woke to a heart rending scream, and rushed out of his room, following the noise to Dean's room.

He raised his hand to knock, but the shout stopped, and he paused, listening.

"Go inside," Bobby said quietly, sleep tousled and sitting in his chair at the bottom of the stairs. "He...he'll need someone. And I can't get up there anymore."

Castiel nodded, looking down at him as he wheeled away. He knocked quietly, and entered, not waiting for permission.

Dean looked up as the door was pushed open and turned quickly away as he saw Castiel hovering in the open space. “I’m fine,” he said. “Sorry for waking you.” He put his head in his hands, and Castiel shut the door behind him, coming to sit beside him on the bed.

He wrapped a hesitant arm around Dean, and Dean shrugged him off. “I’m fine.”

“Dean, you are shaking,” Castiel observed quietly. “Would you like to talk about it?”

"No."

"Very well." They sat in silence for a few moments more, before Castiel glanced at the clock. "Dean?"

"What?"

"It is Christmas."

Dean looked up, glancing at the clock himself with a pained laugh. "Yeah, yeah it is. Merry Christmas, Cas."

"Merry Christmas, Dean," Castiel said, as he wrapped his arm around him once more, but this time Dean didn’t shake it off, and they sat together silently, each man lost in his own thoughts.

**

"Hey boy," Bobby said, looking up from his coffee as the door opened, admitting Sam and Jess. "You're early."

"Traffic was easy," Jess said in greeting, dropping a basket of gifts on the table. "Merry Christmas, Bobby."

"Yeah, Merry Christmas! Where's Dean?" Sam asked, glancing around.

"Rough night. _They're_ still sleeping," Bobby said pointedly.

"They?" Sam asked, eyebrows raised as he shrugged off his jacket. At Bobby's gesture, he went up the stairs, two at a time per usual. He stopped and listened at the door before pushing it gently open, stepping inside. "Dea-?" Sam said, trailing off as he looked at the two men asleep on the bed. Laid flat out on their backs, their hands rested so that just their fingers touched. Castiel had set his hand palm up, Dean palm down and Sam backed away as they stirred, moving closer, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Jessica looked at him as he reentered the kitchen, eyes questioning. Sam shook his head. "They're still asleep. Let's...leave 'em alone."

Bobby said nothing, only nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Referenced death due to a car accident.  
> -Nightmares


	6. Happy Union

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

"Cas, man, we gotta go or we're gonna be late and Sammy is gonna kill me..." Dean said, trailing off as he stepped into the room. Castiel turned, straightening his tie. "Wow."

"I cannot get this tie to sit properly," Cas snapped, glaring. "It won't behave."

"Easy there, or you'll end up strangling yourself." Dean stepped forward, quick hands undoing and reknotting Castiel's tie. "There," he said quietly, smoothing it down, eyes flickering up to meet Castiel's. "Good as new."

"Dean," Cas said quietly, hand reaching out. Dean sidestepped, backing away.

"We gotta go," Dean said quickly. "You got the keys?"

Castiel sighed, but nodded, picking them up from the table.

**

"Charlie was looking for you," Castiel said quietly, walking out to Dean.

"What did she want?" Dean asked, looking back at him. The music from the reception filtered out from the room behind them.

"I believe she wanted a dance."

"Why didn't you give her one?" Dean asked jokingly.

"Because I do not know how," Castiel admitted, sitting down beside him. He scooped up a rock and examined it for a moment, before flicking his wrist and sending it skipping across the surface of the pond. "I have never danced with anyone."

"Wait, really?"

Castiel sighed. "Yes, Dean. I entered the seminary directly after I came of age and I was homeschooled so I did not have a chance." He scowled, tugging at his tie. "This is bothering me."

"Take it off. That's a shame. You'll have to have someone teach you. Charlie showed me how," Dean said with a shrug as Castiel pulled his tie off, balling it up and shoving it in his pocket.

"Perhaps," Castiel said, watching a duck land with a splash in the center. "Will Sam be offended if I leave early?"

"Not really, but why do you wanna leave? You're not sick are you?" Dean asked, concern flashing across his face.

"Not physically, no. I am afraid my problem is in my mind."

Dean nodded. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Castiel waved a hand in the air. "It is...very strange to be at a wedding and not be in my robes. Not officiating."

"Cas..." Dean said hesitantly. "Why did you leave?"

"Leave?"

"The church," Dean mumbled, avoiding his gaze.

Castiel sighed, one hand playing at his collar. "I entered the church to please my parents. At the time I believed in what I was doing. Believed in the father and the word. I wanted to preach love and acceptance. But when Anna died...I could not come to terms with it. What kind of a loving God would have her survive a war, survive a bullet, only to be stuck down by a drunk driver while crossing the road?" He bowed his head. "I believed that God was kind, despite the problems of the world. But when those problems came to me, I could not keep the faith. I prayed for weeks for understanding, but when I needed it most, it wouldn't come to me. I...left. I had to. I had failed the people that looked to me for guidance." Dean silently slipped an arm around him, Castiel keeping his eyes down. "I struggled when I was younger. I had to come to terms with my homosexuality, and what it meant for me as a Catholic." Dean let out a muffled noise of surprise, and Castiel looked up at him. "Dean?"

"Nothing, it's fine. Keep talking."

"I thought you knew. Apologies. If you are not-"

"No, Cas. It's fine. Really," Dean said, patting his back awkwardly. "I am too." Castiel nodded, awareness lighting in his eyes. "Keep talking. You need to get it off your chest, yeah?"

Castiel nodded again and continued. "I struggled. But I overcame. And as a priest, it was not a consideration anyway, as I'd taken a vow of chastity. But this struggle...Anna's death. It took away my faith. I couldn't fight the darkness, the overwhelming anger. So...I left. I couldn't believe in a God that would be so cruel. Couldn't preach his kindness anymore." Castiel dropped his hand away from his collar, and the two men sat in silence for a few moments.

"The sky is nice," Dean said, looking up. "Sun is going down."

"Yes, it is," Castiel agreed, hands tracing the whorls of the stone they sat on.

"We should go back inside." Castiel nodded and stood, Dean standing with him. "Uh, Cas. If you wanted...I could show you how to dance."

"That would be nice."

They walked back inside to the sounds of guitars strumming, and Dean grinned as he recognized the song. "Ah, it's almost over. Damn."

"I am sure the DJ would play it again if you asked him."

"No, it's fine," Dean said, shrugging. "Alright, come on then."

"Where are we going?"

"I'm gonna teach you how to dance."

“Oh. Now?”

"Yeah." Dean reached out for Castiel's hand, pulling him closer. "So, put your hand, yeah, like that." He nodded encouragingly as Cas set a hand on his shoulder. "And mine, or yours if you were leading, goes on your hip."

He laughed quietly as Castiel frowned in concentration, Charlie staring at them from where she stood with Sam.

"How long has that been going on?" she asked in interest, gesturing at the pair on the dance floor.

"How long has what been going on?" Sam replied, wrapping an arm around Jess as his bride walked up.

"Castiel and Dean?" Jess asked with a laugh.

"Yeah."

Sam shook his head. "I'd say it's been going on since the beginning of time. Judging by those two, there is something to be said for past lives." He shrugged. "But they aren't together."

"Dean is dancing with him. Sober," Charlie said in exasperation. "How are they not together?"

"Yeah," Sam said, shrugging. "That's what everyone is saying. It's like...they know each other. Everything about them is-"

"Shh!" Charlie said, elbowing him. "Look! Dean loves this song. And it’s slow. D’ya think they’ll dance together still? "

Dean looked over at the DJ as the song finished, a slower tune starting up. He paused his movements, frowning.

_Come on baby let's get out of this town_   
_I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down_   
_There's a chill in my bones_   
_I don't want to be left alone_   
_So baby you can sleep while I drive_   
_I'll pack my bag and load up my guitar_   
_In my pocket I'll carry my harp_   
_I got some money I saved_   
_Enough to get underway_   
_And baby you can sleep while I drive_

_We'll go thorough Tucson up to Santa Fe_   
_And Barbara in Nashville says we're welcome to stay_   
_I'll buy you glasses in Texas a hat from New Orleans_   
_And in the morning you can tell me your dreams_

 

"Dean?" Castiel said, squeezing his hand. "If you would like to stop dancing..."

"No, it's fine. I like dancing with you," Dean said softly, pulling him in again.

_You know I've seen it before_   
_This mist that covers your eyes_   
_You've been looking for something_   
_That's not in your life_   
_My intentions are true_   
_Won't you take me with you_   
_And baby you can sleep while I drive._

Castiel met Dean’s eyes and carefully leaned his head forward to rest on his shoulder. “Dancing is quite pleasant.”

“Yeah,” Dean replied, voice thick. They stopped moving about the floor, instead just swaying in place as the song finished up.

_Oh is it other arms you want to_   
_Hold you the stranger_   
_The lover you're free_   
_Can't you get that with me_

_Come on baby let's get out of this town_   
_I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down_   
_If you won't take me with you_   
_I'll go before night is through_   
_And baby you can sleep while I drive_

The song ended, and Castiel raised his head, something akin to regret in his eyes. “Thank you, Dean.”

"You, uh, you can dance to anything now," Dean said, slowly dropping his hand and stepping away. "So no more turning down pretty women. Or uh, men I suppose."

"I am not often asked, but if I were, I would likely still say no," Castiel said.

Dean reached a hand out and set it on Castiel's shoulder. "Someone once told me that I shouldn't refuse happiness. Good advice. Not that I listen much." He shrugged and dropped his hand. "I'm gonna go talk to Sammy for a bit. Good luck if Charlie catches you."

"Thank you, Dean," Castiel repeated quietly as Dean walked over to Sam. As the brothers greeted each other, he looked around and slipped outside again, heading home.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Sam asked, crossing his arms.

“What am I doing about what?”

“About him,” Sam said, raising his eyebrows.

Dean shook his head. “We’re just friends.”

“Yeah right. Charlie is your friend. Jo is your friend. Castiel isn't just a friend," Sam said.

"Shut up, Sammy."

"Don't waste this Dean. You deserve to be happy."

"Look, I don't even like-"

"Him that way? Yeah you do. And he likes you too. Everyone can see it, Dean. Except for you two."

Dean scowled and snatched Sam's drink, downing it in one go. "What the hell? Why are you drinking water?"

Sam shrugged, eyes flitting over to Jess. "Gotta stay awake for my honeymoon."

Dean followed his gaze. "Jess isn't drinking either, huh?"

Sam bit back a grin. "Nah."

"Something you wanna tell me?" Dean asked as he crossed his arms.

"Where will you be in seven months?" Sam asked quietly.

"I'm guessing the hospital, waiting for my niece or nephew." Dean laughed. "C'mere. You're gonna be a dad, huh?"

"Yeah," Sam said, blinking back tears. "Yeah, I am." He laughed, wrapping an arm around his older brother. "I can't believe it. We were gonna try, but we were waiting. We figured it was the stress of the wedding planning, but then she started throwing up in the mornings, and...." He trailed off with a grin. "She was so mad she had to get the dress tailored to hide the bump. We haven't told anyone yet."

"Gotcha. I'll keep it to myself then."

Sam looked over to where Jess was holding court, something in his eyes going soft. "I never thought I'd meet someone like her."

Dean nodded, a flash of blue eyes darting across his mind. "Yeah."

**

Dean jumped up as his phone rang, slamming it up against his ear groggily. "'Lo? Sammy? Whoa, calm down. It's gonna be fine." He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Look, get her to the hospital, I'm on my way. It's not too early, they're gonna be fine. Go, get her in the car and focus on the road."

He hung up, reaching down and tugging on a pair of jeans. He looked around, grabbed his phone and boots, thudding down the stairs."Keys, keys, keys,” he muttered, looking in the sitting room, and digging under the couch cushions. Dean growled in frustration as he didn’t find them, moving a pile of magazines from the table.

"They are on the counter by the toaster," Castiel said quietly, coming up behind him.

"Cas! Get outta my ass!" Dean said, jumping. "Don't do that."

"Sorry. You also need your wallet. It is by the door." Castiel blinked. "Where are you going?"

"Hospital. Jess went into labor early.” Dean paused and looked at him. “Where have you been? You’re still dressed.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Castiel said. “So, I went for a walk. And when I came back, I decided to bake. Ash traded me apples in exchange for helping him paint his storage shed.”

“You were baking?” Dean asked, Sam and Jess momentarily forgotten as he sniffed the air. “Wait, did you make pie?”

“Yes. Do you want to take some with you?” Castiel asked. “There is also coffee.”

“Uh...yeah, that would be awesome, Cas.”

Castiel turned, going back into the kitchen with Dean on his heels. He moved a towel away, cutting a slice of the revealed pie. “Is this enough?” he asked, placing it carefully in a container as Dean filled a travel mug.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Breakfast of champions, right?” Dean said as Castiel snapped the lid on, and stepped close to him, handing it off. Dean smiled as their eyes met and the two men paused, hardly breathing. “Cas…” Dean said awkwardly. “Um…” He trailed off, only to swear as his phone rang again breaking the silence. “Shit, I gotta go.”

Castiel nodded and stepped away. “Go. Meet your niece.”

Dean grinned, rushing out the door, pie and coffee in hand. He rushed back in a few seconds later, Castiel already holding his keys and wallet up for him.


	7. Family Ties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter.

“When will Sam and Jess and the baby be arriving?” Castiel asked, stepping out of the kitchen as he dried his hands.

Dean looked up. “Bout an hour. I’m gonna toss the burgers on the grill as soon as they pull up.”

“Bobby is not back from his meeting with Sheriff Mills yet.”

“He’ll be here. And it’s not a meeting, they’re on a date.” Dean chuckled. “He just won’t admit it.”

Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion. “I never was allowed to date. Is it truly like what is shown on television?”

“You’ve never been on a date?” Dean asked incredulously. “Dude, your parents were seriously strict.”

“Indeed,” Cas agreed, coming to sit on the couch beside him. “Is it?”

“Is it?”

“Like they show on television,” Castiel said, crossing his arms defensively.

“Well, it ain’t exactly the whole coffee, conversation, straight to bed thing,” Dean said. “Not in my experience anyway. Might be for some people.”

“Then what is it like?”

“It depends on the person. I had one girlfriend, Lisa. She wanted to go out all the time, bars, dancing. But, when I dated Ash, he always wanted to stay in with a few beers and something on the t.v,” Dean said, shrugging. “I mean, it changes all the time. You can just do the coffee and conversation thing. Or you can just go out for hamburgers, meet up on your lunch break, go to the movies. Anything you wanna do really.” He turned to Cas. “Look, Cas. If you wanna know what a date is, why don’t you find someone to take you out?”

“I don’t want anyone to take me out,” Castiel said quickly. “I...don’t hold an interest in anyone. Not since…”

“Not since what?” Dean asked, looking at him. “Did someone hurt you? Break your heart or something?”

“No,” Castiel said, flushing. “I just...there is someone I want to...try to date. But, he is not interested.”

“You sure?” Dean asked, smirking at him despite the lurking feel of disappointment and betrayal low in his stomach.. “You try putting any moves on him? Letting him know you’re interested?”

“I don’t know how to do that, Dean.”

“Course not.” Dean gave a pained laugh, looking at Castiel with a wince. “I’m only joking, Cas. Who is it? If you want me to, I can see if he’s interested? Someone in town, right?”

“No.” Castiel hesitated, frowning. “It’s-”

“Dean!” Sam said, coming into the room with a grin, baby carrier in hand. “Where are the burgers?” He stopped at the looks on their faces, taking in how close the pair was sitting. “Did I interrupt something?”

Dean jumped up and away, Castiel looking rather frustrated by the whole thing. “Sammy! How’s my niece?” Dean said, grinning and coming over.

“Sleeping. Went down just as we pulled into the driveway. Jess is on her way in, she’s on the phone with her mom. I think it’s some kinda family thing.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. You guys were still gonna go up there this week right?”

“Yep.” Sam set the carrier down, Castiel coming over to look at the baby as well.

“She’s grown nearly four inches since the last time you were here,” he observed. “And has more hair.”

“Speaking of hair, what the hell is that?” Dean asked, pointing at Sam. “Your name Jesus now?”

Sam shrugged. “Jess likes it long,” he said with a wink. “More to pull.”

“Too much information,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I’m gonna go get the burgers on.” He walked out, whistling. Sam chuckled and turned to Castiel, who was still examining the baby.

“You alright, Cas? You looked kinda upset when I came in.”

“I am not upset,” Castiel said quietly. “I am...frustrated.”

“Why?” Sam asked, coming over to him and setting a hand on his shoulder. “Do you wanna talk?”

Castiel sighed. “Why did you name your child as you did?”

“Well,” Sam said. “Jess wanted the Sophia for her grandma. I wanted the Mary for my mom. So…. Mary Sophia Winchester.”

“How did you decide which people to choose?”

“They’re family,” Sam replied. “They’re important to us.”

Castiel nodded. “And how did you know that you wanted to marry Jessica?”

Sam paused. “Well...she just walked into the room. And it was like...I’d known her forever. When we talked, it was like talking to my best friend. We were finishing each other’s sentences by the time I asked her if she’d like to get dinner with me.” He shrugged, setting a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “You...um, thinking about anyone in particular while you’re asking me this?” he asked hesitantly.

Castiel frowned as Mary opened her eyes, blinking and began to pout. “May I hold her?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, course. You know how, right?”

“Yes. There were many children in my congregation, and often single mothers with no one else and no way to afford a sitter would occasionally ask me,” Castiel said, unsnapping the carrier buckles and easing Mary into his arms. “She is quite light.”

“Just under sixteen pounds,” Sam said, smiling at them. “I didn’t know you knew about kids.”

“Yes. I am quite knowledgable. It serves me well at the library as well, especially if school groups come through.” Castiel began to sway gently, Mary gurgling happily. “I never thought…”

“Never thought what?”

“That I could have a family again," Castiel said quietly. “I expected to live out my days in the church. But now I have the option.”

“Do you want kids?” Sam asked.

“Yes,” Castiel nodded, holding a finger out for Mary to grab. “But I do not want to raise a child alone.”

“You know,” Sam said, sitting down on the table. “Dean wants kids too. Like a lot. But he’s always said that he won’t have them unless he meets someone. And uh… I think you two would go good together.”

“Dean is a honorable man, a good man.” Castiel frowned. “But he does not notice me.”

“Maybe you should tell him. You know that you’d like to...date him,” Sam said carefully. “I mean, you want to, right?”

Castiel nodded. “He is not interested in me. And I have tried to tell him, but we keep getting...interrupted. And when we are not, he pulls away.” He shook his head. “He would not want a life with me.”

“I think he might want that more than he’d admit,” Sam said, setting a gentle hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Dean...he’s just afraid of getting hurt.”

Castiel looked up at him, face scrunched in an odd parody of consideration and concentration. “Benny. Benny dying is the reason. And your father losing your mother, and Lisa hurting him the way she did.”

Sam looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “How do you know about Benny and Lisa?”

“Dean talks in his sleep,” Castiel said. “Sometimes, when he falls asleep in the living room, I am in there as well. Is that strange?”

“Nah,” Sam shrugged. “Don’t let him run you out.” Castiel nodded and Sam smiled at him. “And Cas? I think you really should talk to Dean. Don’t let him run away.”

"I will consider it. Though, I am not sure if it will do much good."

"It might," Sam said. "It just might."

Dean poked his head in just then, and both men turned to him, "Sam. Uh...Jess is still in the car, man. She's crying on the phone."

"What?" Sam asked, concern flashing over his face. "Cas, can you watch the baby? I need to check on Jess."

Cas nodded and Sam rushed out, Dean coming over to the baby. "Hey there kid. Whatcha doing?" he cooed, Castiel watching him with a fond smile.

“She does not understand you. But she seems to enjoy your voice and your face. I assume she will start to speak at the normal age. It would not be a surprise if your name is one of the first words she says.”

Dean looked at him with a grin. “You think?”

“Yes. Babies will speak words that are common to their environment first. They identify the people that-” Castiel frowned as Sam rushed back in, looking flustered.

“Dean, Jess’s dad is really sick and he’s in the hospital and we need to go,” Sam said quickly. “They’re about two hours over the state border, but Jess is worried about taking Mary with us, she shouldn’t be in the hospital. We have everything in the car for her, can you watch her? Just for a few hours. There’s formula and milk and bottles. Diapers and clothes.”

Dean hesitated. “I haven’t-”

“I can watch her with Dean. The library is closed while they repair the leak in the basement, so I am not working today or tomorrow,” Castiel said. “I know what to do.”

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. “Seriously? You’re the best, man. Dean, you’re cool with this?”

Dean nodded hesitantly. “It’ll be fine. Anything I don’t know about kids, I bet Cas can handle, right?” Castiel nodded as well, the baby gurgling happily. Sam ran his hands through his hair.

“Okay. I’m gonna run out, get the stuff and bring it in. Then we’re gonna take off. Can you bring her out to say goodbye to Jess?”

“Of course,” Castiel said, stepping out. Sam looked at Dean carefully.

“Hey, Dean. Do me a favor?”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Just give Cas a chance, okay?”

“What do you-dammit Sam,” Dean said, following his brother outside as the younger darted out and away from the conversation.

**  
Dean thudded into the hall wall with a groan. “I thought she’d never go to bed.”

Castiel closed the bedroom door quietly behind him, shaking his head. “She went down within twenty minutes. You didn’t have to stay and wait.”

“Not just waiting to sleep, but actually getting her ready. Sam was the same. He never slept. And then when he did, he always-” Dean was interrupted by a quiet sob from the bedroom. “Woke up,” he finished. “He never wanted to sleep alone.”

“Then we will just sleep with her,” Castiel said, opening the door again and stepping in. Dean followed him hesitantly, watching as Castiel slid onto the bed with Mary, stroking her back soothingly. “Lie down, Dean.”

“Do we both need to…” Dean trailed off at the look Castiel gave him. “Okay, okay.”

“She is your niece,” Castiel grumbled as Dean climbed carefully onto the bed. “Do not worry. Sam and Jess will be back later tonight.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Dean protested, but Castiel hushed him.

“She’s sleeping again. We will wait here for a few more hours. I have set up the baby monitor.”

“You’re good with her,” Dean said apologetically. “I’m too nervous. Always thinking I’m gonna hurt her.”

“You would never hurt a child,” Castiel said, meeting his eyes in the dim light.

“Not on purpose. But….she’s still so small. What if I dropped her?” Dean said quietly, watching as Mary twitched, a soft sigh escaping her. “Sam was never that small.”

“I’m sure he was.”

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Dean said with a chuckle.

Castiel nodded, reaching over and adjusting the blanket so it covered Mary fully. “Dean.”

“Yeah?”

“Sam said that you want children.”

Dean blinked. “Uh, yeah. Eventually. But I don’t wanna raise them on my own.”

“You would be a good father,” Castiel said. “Why don’t you go out and find someone to have children with? You like women as well.”

Dean snorted. “Just cause I like chicks doesn’t mean I’m gonna go out and get someone knocked up. I want it to be about us, be about love, about starting a family.”

“I see,” Castiel said, a small glimmer of hope in his voice. “What...are you looking for?”

“What am I looking for? A best friend,” Dean said quietly, heart speeding as he realized the direction the conversation was taking and what Sam’s hurried request had meant.

Castiel bit his lip. “And have you found one?”

“Depends on if he thinks the same about me,” Dean said, hesitantly reaching a hand out to Castiel’s, running his thumb over his knuckles.

“And if he does?” Castiel asked.

“Then I’d ask him if he’d like to go out with me.”

Castiel swallowed and nodded. “Yes.”

Dean smiled. “Really?”

Castiel nodded again, flushing in the dim light. “I like you, Dean.”

Dean chuckled. “I like you too. I asked didn’t I?”

“Yes. But I do not know if you know what you are getting into.”

“Do you?” Dean snorted quietly. “Look, neither of us has had the easiest go of it. I don’t care. I...want you, Cas. I want to be happy and I think I’m finally at the place where I can accept it. I..deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy. And I’ve never met someone like you.”

“Like me?”

“It feels like I’ve known you forever,” Dean said.

“Sam said the same thing about Jess,” Castiel mused. “He said it was like he had known her forever.”

“Well, we are related,” Dean said with a small shrug.

“Yes.”

“So, uh...where do we go from here?” Dean asked.

Castiel shrugged. “I have not had any relationships in the past. I am afraid that this is ‘your ballgame’.”

“Wait, seriously?”

Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Yes...we’ve spoken about this. Earlier today in fact.”

Dean paused, licking his lips. “Um…”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

“No,” Dean said quickly. “Just had a question.”

Castiel sighed. “The answer is yes.”

“You don’t even know what it was,” Dean protested.

“You were going to ask if I was a virgin,” Castiel replied, blushing slightly. “The answer is yes. Is...Is that an issue?”

“Uh...no,” Dean said, licking his lips. “That’s...fine.”

“And if I wish to go slow?”

“Still fine,” Dean said, squeezing his hand. “Sam sat me down and had a talk with me. About like different people, so even if you don’t ever wanna have sex, that’s cool too. Like, if you don't like sex, but like dudes.”

“You mean if I were asexual, but homoromantic?” Castiel said quietly. “No, I am not, but I am sure others would appreciate your efforts. Chosen celibacy is not the same thing.”

“I didn’t know that was a different thing...” Dean said. “So you know a lot about this stuff, don’t you?”

“Yes. I thought that as a gay catholic, I should be able to counsel my congregation were they to come to me with crises of faith, even if I did not reveal my own orientation to them. So I educated myself.”

Dean hesitated, biting at his lip. “Would you teach me?”

“If you would like, I would be happy to share what I’ve learned, but do not think that I am an expert.”

“All right. Just like...if I say something wrong, correct me. Jo and Charlie do it too,” Dean said. “She still asleep?” he asked, as Mary let out a soft sigh, changing the subject.

“No.”

“No?”

Castiel smiled. “She is watching me. Everytime you speak, she smiles. I find it amusing.”

“Really?” Dean chuckled, and Mary kicked her legs. “She’s never going to go to sleep, is she?”

“We could go in and watch the television. Perhaps the noise will lull her to sleep.”

“All right.”

**

“Dean?” Sam called, stepping into the living room. He stopped as he saw Mary happily awake in her carrier, Dean and Castiel leaning against each other on the couch. “Dean?”

Dean shook his head, blinking awake as Mary cooed happily. “Hey, Sammy. Jess okay?”

“Yeah. Her dad is stabilized, her mom is there. She sent me to get Mary, take her home.” Sam looked pointedly at Cas. “What’s this?”

Dean wet his lips. “It’s...something. Not sure what, but we talked. And I think we need to talk some more, but it’s something.” The television screen flashed, and Sam nodded slowly at the look on Dean’s face.

“I’m glad. And I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Dean said as Sam walked over, greeting his daughter with a whispered _'hello'_ as he tickled her foot.

“Did she sleep at all?”

Dean shook his head, Castiel murmuring at the movement. “Just a few minutes.”

Sam sighed. “She’ll sleep in the car, anyway. Thanks, Dean. And when Cas wakes up, can you thank him too?”

“Course.”

Sam paused. “Bobby ever come back tonight?”

Dean chuckled. “Nope. I’m not worried. I’m pretty sure Jody has him well in hand.”

“Too much information. Did not need that picture,” Sam groaned. He checked the buckles and lifted the baby carrier, Mary gurgling and kicking her feet at the movement. “All right. I’m gonna take off. Get him to bed, I’ll lock the door behind me.”

“Course,” Dean said, smiling softly as Castiel mumbled something again. “Course.” Sam waved and Dean sat up, shaking Castiel gently. “C’mon Cas. Bed, dude. Sam got Mary and took her home.”

“Dean?” Castiel said, eyes fluttering open. “Sam left already?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, standing. “Here,” he said, extending a hand and tugging Castiel up. “Bed.”

“All right,” Castiel yawned. “What time is it?”

“Bout five or so. We can sleep for a few more hours.” Dean led Castiel up the stairs, the man muttering under his breath about the couch. Dean just chuckled and pushed Castiel’s bedroom door open. “Goodnight, Cas.”

Castiel yawned and grabbed Dean’s hand as he made to leave. “Dean…”

“Yeah?”

Castiel searched his eyes for a moment, then leaned forward, hesitantly brushing their lips together. “We’ll talk in the morning, yes?”

Dean nodded, gaze darting between Castiel’s lips and eyes. “Course,” he said, swallowing hard. “Cas? Can I…”

Castiel licked his lips and nodded, reaching out for Dean’s hips and settling his hands on them. “Please.” Dean breathed out and reached a hand up to cup the back of Castiel’s neck. He leaned in and pressed their lips firmly together. Castiel’s eyes widened and he made a startled noise low in his throat as Dean’s tongue slid across his bottom lip. He opened, and moaned as Dean slid their tongues together, teasing at the roof of his mouth.

“D...Dean,” Castiel stuttered a moment later, pulling away with dark eyes. “I..”

“That was good, wasn’t it?” Dean asked. “You liked it?”

“Yes.” Castiel nodded. “I want to do it again.”

Dean chuckled. “All right then.” Castiel leaned in, copying Dean’s movement’s from a moment before. Dean allowed him to take control, hands roaming down Castiel’s sides to his lower back, tugging him closer. Castiel broke off with a muffled gasp, eyes darting between them.

“You are aroused.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Nothing. I am just glad not to be the only one.” Castiel swallowed and stepped away. “Good...good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”

Castiel pushed the door to his bedroom open, and stepped in. Dean turned away with a last smile, heading to his own.


	8. It's a Sin to Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where we begin to earn our rating for some more...."fun" adult themes.  
> Avoid this chapter if you wish to avoid smut.

“Dean?” 

“Yeah, Cas?” Dean asked, voice muffled in the undercarriage of the Impala as he checked for rust. 

“Will you kiss me?”

Dean pushed himself out with a confused look on his face. “Yeah, dude. You know you don’t even have to ask by now. Been what, four weeks?" He grinned. “You wanna come here or you gonna make me get up?”

“Get up. I’ve made lunch,” Castiel replied, and promptly turned on his heel, heading back into the kitchen. Dean pushed himself up with a groan, wiping his hands on his jeans and followed him.

“Wow, Cas,” Dean said, looking at the table. “Burgers. Nice.”

“And pie.” 

“And pie?”

Castiel nodded, pointing to the counter. 

“What’s the occasion?” Dean asked, walking over to wash his hands at the sink. Castiel handed him a towel, eyes narrowed in concentration as he watched Dean. “Cas? You all right, dude?”

“No.”

“No?” Dean turned to him, drying his hands. “What’s wrong?”

“Sit down, Dean.” 

“All right.” Dean sat, pulling Castiel over to him. “Now you gonna tell me?”

Castiel hesitated. “I want you to kiss me.” 

“All right,” Dean replied. “Like, right now, or you have something special in mind?” 

“I want you to kiss me in bed,” Castiel said. “Tonight.” 

“So, you’re saying you want me to come in your room, and kiss you in your bed,” Dean said, looking for clarification. “That’s what you’re asking for?” 

Castiel flushed, and shifted uncomfortably. “For now.” 

Dean nodded. “All right. Cool, man. You want me to sleep in there with you too, or no?” 

“Would you? Even if we don’t have sexual intercourse?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Dean replied, squeezing his hand. “It’s not like I’m gonna rush you into anything.”

Castiel blew out a frustrated breath. “I do not like not having the answers,” he said. “And I don’t like being inexperienced.”

“Look, Cas, it’s fine. Seriously, dude. We were all freaked out virgins at one point,” Dean said. “You ever tell anyone about this, and I’ll kill you, but when I lost mine with Lisa we both freaked out so bad I ended up crying on her shoulder.” He blushed as Castiel couldn’t help but smile, and turned away. “Now, can we eat?” Castiel nodded, and Dean grinned, pecking him on the lips. “Great.” 

**  
Dean knocked on the door later that night, clad in only flannel pajama bottoms, hair still wet from his shower. Castiel set his book aside as Dean pushed the door open. “Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.” 

Dean paused, licking his lips. “So, uh…”

Castiel wordlessly scooted over, Dean sitting down beside him. “You got anything special in mind?” Dean asked. Castiel shook his head.

“I would just like you to kiss me,” he replied, laying down and stretching his arms out to Dean.

“My pleasure,” Dean replied, slipping down and shuffling closer. He took a quick moment just to cup Castiel’s face, running a thumb over his cheekbone before he pressed their lips together in a chaste kiss. Castiel let out a halting sigh of pleasure and tugged Dean closer, sliding their legs together. 

Their kisses slowly turned more and more heated, until Castiel pulled away with a small whimper. His eyes were dark, hair mussed and lips swollen. “Dean, that was.... very pleasurable.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Dean said, licking his lips. “Jesus, you’re fucking hot, Cas. That mouth.” He reached forward and ran the pad of his thumb over Castiel’s bottom lip. Castiel hesitated for only a moment before biting down gently, tongue darting out to brush the side of his finger. Dean groaned and pulled just a bit away, making some space between their bodies. “Shit.”

Castiel released his thumb, and searched Dean’s eyes hesitantly. “I would like to try something,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean muttered. “Whatever you want.”

Castiel nodded and nudged Dean onto his back. "Lie down."

"I am."

Castiel gave a quiet grumble. "I know. Stay there."

"Yes sir," Dean teased. Castiel ignored him and shifted nervously to sit atop him. His bare chest was turned golden by the dim light from the bedside lamp, and Dean licked his lips. "What uh, what are you trying?"

"Grinding," Castiel said, rolling his hips against Dean's. His face flushed as Dean let out a surprised moan. "Is it okay?"

"Do whatever you want to man. Leave me with a case of blue balls though, and I'll need a moment in the bathroom before we cuddle."

"This is good," Castiel muttered, rocking his hips again.

"God, I can feel you getting hard," Dean said, reaching out and taking Castiel's hands. "You're pretty big, Cas."

"I am average," Castiel replied. "You however are not. You're thick and long." He flushed. "I...find that very attractive." 

"You're a size queen," Dean accused with another groan as Castiel leaned down, nipping at his neck experimentally. "That's good, Cas." 

"I've been reading. This is considered foreplay," Castiel said, running his tongue over the marks he'd left with his teeth. 

"Really fucking good foreplay," Dean muttered, releasing Castiel's hands to hold his hips. "You sure you're a virgin?" 

"It is a sin to lie, Dean." 

"What you're doing with your tongue is a sin."

"I don't believe so," Castiel said, before dipping his head to bite Dean's nipple. 

"Shit!" Dean said, hips bucking up against Castiel's. Castiel groaned, laying his head in the space between Dean’s shoulder and neck, their hips grinding together. “Ca...Cas,” Dean gasped after a few minutes of rocking up onto each other. “God, Cas, stop.” 

Castiel froze, keeping his head down. “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, man. Just, you keep that up and I’m gonna come in my pants,” Dean said, nudging him with his head. “C’mere, lemme kiss you.” 

Castiel raised his head, a slight blush on his cheeks as they kissed, tongues gentle and exploratory. “Dean….what if I want you to come in your pants?” Castiel asked quietly, a hesitant hand slipping between them. 

“Then I guess I’d hafta do that for you,” Dean said, licking his lips as Castiel’s hand slid over his stomach, edging closer and closer to his hard cock. “You gonna come too?” Castiel swallowed and nodded, watching Dean carefully. “Can I touch you, Cas?” Castiel nodded again, and Dean ghosted a kiss across his lips before moving down Castiel’s neck. He paused and sucked a mark into his collarbone with a devilish grin. “Mine now.”

“You marked me?” Castiel asked, voice low and hungry as he watched Dean’s progress. 

“Yeah,” Dean said. “And I’m gonna do it again.” He followed up by adding a matching mark onto the other side of Castiel’s neck, Castiel gasping quietly. 

“Dean. Do it again.”

“Yes’sir,” Dean replied, nipping at his chest as they rocked slowly together. “God, you feel good.”

Castiel squirmed underneath him. “Dean. I want…”

“What, Cas?” 

“I want you to touch me.”

“I am.”

“No, Dean,” Castiel said, pushing up into him pointedly. “Touch. Me.”

“Oh,” Dean said, comprehending what was being asked. “You sure?” In response, Castiel pushed down again, with an almost desperate groan as he grabbed Dean’s hand and guided it between them. Dean began to rub at his cock, Castiel moaning at the touch and rutting against his palm. “You gonna come for me, Cas?” Dean asked, watching his face. “Huh? Gonna lemme see you?” 

“Dean…” Castiel panted. “It feels better than when I do it.” 

“Yeah. Cause I know what you want, don’t I? Gonna make you feel good,” Dean said, speeding his hand even as he thrust his hips up. Castiel gave a sudden cry and Dean moaned at the warmth spreading over his hand. “Goddamn, Cas,” Dean muttered, voice full of awe. “You’re so fucking hot.” 

With a small moan, Castiel rolled off of him, laying on his back. Dean propped himself up on his elbow and leaned down, brushing kisses over Castiel’s face. “Fucking gorgeous,” he all but growled, hand slowly rubbing at himself through his pants. “Come on,” he said, tugging at his arm. “You need cleaned up, or those are gonna stick to you.” 

Castiel nodded, and opened his eyes to Dean. He leaned up and pressed their lips together, kissing him passionately until they broke apart, panting. “Dean...Dean, I...” 

Dean chuckled. “Yeah?”

“I liked it very much.” 

“Well, we can do it whenever you want,” Dean said. “But seriously, bathroom, so I can get in there after and take care of this.” He gestured at the tent in his pants with a grin. “Told you I’d need a moment.”

Castiel examined him and licked his lips hesitantly. “I want to watch.”

“You wanna watch?” Dean asked, cock twitching with excitement. “You don’t hafta.”

“I want too.”

“All right,” Dean said after a minute. “Shower. We’ll get in there together. Bobby’s is big enough for two since he’s got the chair. He took off tonight anyway. Going to Jody’s.”

Castiel nodded and stood, grimacing at the soggy feeling in his pants. Dean laughed at him as they went into the hall, making their way down the stairs. Dean followed Castiel in, shutting the door behind him. “Now,” Dean said quietly. “Will you let me do something?” 

Castiel cocked his head in confusion. “What?” 

Dean turned and started the shower up, before smiling at Castiel. “Lemme undress you.” he said quietly. Castiel nodded and Dean kneeled down, tugging his waistband slowly down, watching Castiel as his soft, sticky cock was revealed. “Can’t wait to get my mouth around that,” Dean said, smiling. Castiel shivered with anticipation and he reached down, tugging Dean up to crush their lips together. 

“My turn,” Castiel said, quickly undoing the ties of Dean’s pajamas, pulling them out and down over his cock. “Dean. You are bigger than I thought,” he said, just staring at him. “Can I touch you?”

“When you’re in the water,” Dean said with a quiet chuckle, stepping away and into the shower. “C’mon.” Dean leaned against the wall with a quiet hiss at the cold tile, beckoning Castiel to come under the water. Castiel watched as Dean took himself in hand, slowly stroking his length with his head tilted back. 

“Dean…”

“Yeah, Cas, c’mere. You can touch.” 

"You're scarred." Castiel shifted closer, drawing a line down Dean’s neck and torso, fingers drifting over his skin. “You have a scar here too,” he said quietly, pausing at his hip.

“Mmm. Caught myself on barbed wire,” Dean replied, closing his eyes at the gentle, exploratory touch. His breath caught as Castiel covered his hand with his own, stroking up and down his shaft. 

“Dean? Move your hand, please.” 

Dean obeyed, and Cas began to stroke him, a thumb carefully ghosting over the head of his dick. “God, Cas. Not gonna last long if you keep that up,” Dean muttered. “Been so close already.” He licked his lips at the picture Castiel made, pressed close to him, hair soaked from the shower, skin littered with water droplets and his hips involuntarily jerked forward. 

“I want to see you come,” Castiel announced, voice low, giving Dean the illusion that he was being dragged over sharp rocks, each prick another spark of pleasure. Dean moaned, cock flushing as he came, covering Castiel’s hand. 

Castiel leaned in and claimed his mouth, tugging him under the spray. Dean chuckled breathlessly, reaching out for a bottle of soap and pouring it into his hand. Castiel jumped as the bottle clattered to the ground, and Dean’s slick hands slid over the curve of his hip and arse. “Gonna lemme clean you up?” Dean asked, running his hands up and over Castiel’s shoulder blades, curving around his neck and down his chest as he stepped away just slightly. Castiel nodded, licking the water from his lips and tipping his head back into the spray. Dean took advantage, nipping at the taut skin, marking Castiel once more. 

Castiel pushed him gently away, bending down to pick up the bottle of soap and standing once more with it in hand. “My turn,” he said quietly, and Dean nodded. Castiel slicked his hands and began a slow slide over Dean’s stomach, moving up his body. Dean bit his lip as Castiel drew his hands down his arms, grasping Dean’s hands and threading their fingers together. “Dean…” Castiel murmured. “It feels as though there is something strange between us. It feels better when I am with you. It feels right." 

Dean nodded slowly. "Yeah, Cas. I get that. Feels like I've known you forever." 

Castiel pulled Dean to him, holding him tightly. “Is this all right?”

“Perfect,” Dean said, settling his arms around him. “Come on. Let’s get dried off and go back to bed, all right?” 

"Yes, Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings.


	9. Okay.

"Can't you two keep your damn hands to yourself for five minutes?" Bobby asked, Dean shooting a sly look at him as Castiel blushed and scooted away on the couch. 

"Hey Jody," Dean drawled, beckoning Castiel close again.

"That's Sheriff Mills to you, boy," Jody replied, coming into the room and sitting down between them as Bobby wheeled himself in.

"Actually been uh, meaning to talk to you about that," Dean said awkwardly, sitting up. "Not about your job, but keepin' to ourselves. Been looking at apartments in town. The one right above the bakery just opened up, and Cas and I were wondering if you'd be, you know mad or anything if we-"

"Dean is afraid you'll be offended if he moved out," Castiel said, rolling his eyes. 

"Hell no," Bobby said. "Got rid of Sam, just gotta get rid of you two. And Rufus."

Dean gave a relieved chuckle. "That's never gonna happen. But we'll be out next month. That all right?"

"You guys do what's best for you," Bobby said. "Least it'll get you off my couch. Seen more of you on it than I care to admit."

Dean had the decency to blush when everyone else laughed.

**  
"That's the last," Dean said, dropping the box. "Who knew you needed so much shit for an apartment."

Castiel looked up from where he was sorting books onto a shelf. "Everyone. There are several books on the subject."

Dean laughed. "Yeah, yeah. Rhetorical question. The bedroom finished yet?"

"Go see," Castiel said with a smile. 

Dean raised an eyebrow, but went down the hall, Castiel following him. "Shit," Dean said, grinning as he pushed open the door. "Looking awesome, Cas. You did all this while I was gone?"

"Yes. Charlie helped with the bed frame before she left to pick up Jo from work. She said it was the most important thing to have done." 

Dean sighed, shaking his head. “Yeah, but you did the rest, huh?” 

Castiel nodded, and moved to stand in front of Dean, leaning back against him with a content sigh. 

“Makes me think about all the things we could do in that bed,” Dean murmured, brushing his lips over Castiel’s pulse point. “All the noises you make. Don’t hafta worry about Bobby anymore, do we, baby?” Castiel shivered, pupils dilating as Dean pressed up against him. “What do you say? Should we christen that new mattress?” Dean asked, nipping at Castiel’s neck. 

“Later, Dean,” Castiel said, squeezing his hands, breath heavy. “We...we have to finish unpacking the clothes, and the bathroom.” 

“I’ll let you do the clothes then,” Dean murmured into his ear. “I’ll go do the bathroom, and then grab some takeout, yeah?” Castiel nodded, biting back a moan as Dean nudged his sweater collar aside and sucked a mark into his skin before stepping away with a shit eating grin spread over his face.

Castiel glared at him. “You know how distracting that is,’ he said, crossing his arms. 

“Aww, gonna forgive me?” Dean asked, chuckling, tugging him into his arms again. “Hey,” he said quietly, searching Castiel’s eyes. “I love you, Cas.” 

Castiel broke out in a wide, honest smile. "I love you too, Dean."

Dean grinned again, and pulled him in for a kiss. "Love you more than I love pie," he said, running his thumb over Castiel's shoulder, rubbing the soft fabric of his sweater. "Still. Gotta go unpack, right?"

Castiel nodded, still smiling, eyes bright with happiness. "I will do the clothes. Then we can have dinner." 

"Yep. Mexican or Chinese?"

"Chinese. I want bok choy." Castiel blinked as Dean gave him a funny look. "What?"

"Nothin'. Just how your face looked just now. All happy about eating a damn vegetable," Dean said, shaking his head as he walked out of the room. 

Castiel huffed. "Vegetables are delicious!" he called after Dean, moving to finish unpacking the clothes. 

"They're rabbit food!" 

**

"Some good damn rabbit food," Dean said, setting his container aside to go into the trash.

Castiel threw him a smug grin. "Vegetables," he said, getting up and setting the chopsticks in the sink to be washed.

"If we're totally unpacked by tomorrow night, which we should be," Dean said with a yawn, "I'll cook. Get a roast. Make mashed potatoes. Sound good, baby?" Castiel nodded, tidying up the table. He tossed Dean a washcloth, and the man stood, wiping the table down. "You okay?" Dean asked after a little bit, moving to rinse the cloth out. "You're quiet, Cas." 

"I'm fine, Dean. I just would like to go shower," Castiel replied.

Dean shrugged. "I can finish up, go shower." Castiel smiled and Dean pecked him on the cheek. He gathered the leftovers, tucking them into the fridge as the pipes rattled, indicating the shower starting up. With another quick yawn, Dean finished the kitchen, and shut the windows before the storm that had been threatening all day hit. He whistled quietly as he locked up, turning off the lights, before heading to the bedroom.

He smiled at Castiel, the man tucked beneath the covers with a thick book in his hands, the bedside light setting a halo around his head.

Castiel looked up and smiled. "Go shower, Dean. I left you hot water." 

Dean winked. "Knew I loved you for a reason, sweetheart."

"I am very happy you love me, Dean," Castiel said. "I love you, too." He looked back at his book, and Dean took the hint, heading into the bathroom. 

When he came back out, the light was off and Dean slid on a pair of boxers before crawling into bed, trying not to wake Castiel. However, Castiel reached out, taking his hand. "I'm not asleep," he said quietly. "I....I want you."

"I'm not going anywhere," Dean whispered with a chuckle. "Why'd you turn the light off if you aren't sleeping yet?" 

Castiel sighed. “That is not what I meant Dean.” 

“No?” Dean asked, pulling him closer, blinking in surprise as he realized Castiel was completely nude.“Cas?”

“I want you to fuck me,” Castiel said, blushing desperately. “I want you,” he repeated. 

Dean sighed and kissed his cheek. “We don’t have to, Cas. I’m more than happy with what we’ve got goin’ on. “ 

“Don’t you want to?” Castiel asked, frowning against his chest as he tucked his head in. 

“Fuck no. I want to. I really want to,” Dean said, grinning and stroking a hand over Castiel’s back. “But I told you a long time ago that we didn’t have too.”

“But I would like to,” Castiel said, laying a hand on Dean’s hip. “Please.”

“Okay,” Dean said. “I got you. But I’m not gonna fuck you.” Castiel made a noise of protest, but Dean interrupted him before he could continue. “Cas. Listen, man. Not gonna fuck you. C’mere.” He pulled Castiel up, pressing their lips together, kissing him gently, before leaning in, brushing his lips over Castiel’s ear. “I’m not gonna fuck you,” he repeated in a soft whisper, hand sliding down Castiel’s side, stroking over his thigh. “We’re gonna make love,” he whispered awkwardly, cheek heating as Castiel’s breath stuttered “You wanna fuck, we’ll fuck next time. But this time, I’m gonna take my time. Gonna make you feel so good, baby. Show you how good it can be, okay?”

“Okay,” Castiel said quietly. “Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“I’m glad you told me you love me. I heard you practicing in the mirror,” Castiel said. “I wanted to tell you I loved you too.” 

Dean started to laugh, whole body shaking as he rolled away from Castiel. “You fuckin’ heard me?” he gasped. “Oh my god.”

“It’s not that funny,” Castiel said, rolling onto his stomach and looking at Dean. 

“Yeah, it is,” Dean managed to get out, wiping his eyes. 

Castiel frowned again, and moved, straddling Dean’s hips and reaching out to turn the light on. “Why?” he asked, leaning down over Dean.

“Cause..cause I was so fuckin’ nervous about telling you, cause I wanted it to be perfect cause I never told anyone that before, not like this, and then you fuckin’ heard me practicing. Thought I was gonna throw up earlier, tryin’ to work up the nerve to tell you,” Dean stammered, hands immediately fisting the sheets as Castiel rocked his hips. “Thought you weren’t gonna tell me the same.” 

Castiel relaxed, gaze softening as he broke into a smile. “I feel as though I have always known you,” he said. “It is like I was missing a part of my heart until I found you.” He sat back, setting his palm over Dean’s chest. “So yes, I love you. I would do anything for you, Dean. Even if you are amusingly reticent about some things.”

“It’s only been a year,” Dean protested. 

“It’s been one year and seven months,” Castiel said, narrowing his eyes at him.

Dean grinned guiltily. “Sorry, baby. Time just flies when we’re together?” he asked with a shrug.

“Not a good enough excuse,” Castiel said, rolling off him and onto his side, arms crossed.

“Aw, sweetheart, you mad?” Dean teased, moving and wrapping his arms around Cas, slotting them together.

Castiel hid his smile. “Yes.”

“How mad?” 

“Very,” Castiel replied with a put upon huff. 

“Doesn’t feel like it here,” Dean breathed, running a hand over Castiel’s chest, toying with his nipples as they perked into the contact. “Where else should I check? Just to make sure?”

Castiel bit back a moan. “My...my cock,” he muttered.

“Oh yeah?” Dean said, sliding his hand down Castiel’s stomach, thumb toying with the line of dark hair leading farther down. “Cas. Gonna ask one more time. You sure about this?” 

Castiel nodded breathlessly, bringing his hand up and pulling Dean’s down, wrapping it around his cock. “Yes, Dean. Please.” 

“God, sweetheart. Love you so much,” Dean said, stroking him slowly. “How do you wanna do this?”

“Can I be on my back?” Castiel asked, cheeks flushing red with embarrassment and want. “I would like to be able to see you.”

“Yeah, baby. Gonna treat you real well, you know that don’t you? Gonna make you feel good.”

Castiel nodded, pushing into Dean’s hand. “Dean. Please touch me,” he said, squirming slightly. 

“I am,” Dean replied, kissing his neck. 

“Dean.” Castiel groaned.

“I know. I know,” Dean said, pulling away. “Lay down on your back then,” he said, sitting up and on the edge of the bed, pulling open the bedside drawer. Almost as an afterthought, he pushed off his boxers, tossing them away. 

Castiel shifted, kicking the blankets and top sheet down to the end of the bed. “Dean?” he said. 

“Yeah?” Dean asked, setting a bottle of lube on the pillow and pulling out a condom. 

“I don’t want you to use a condom,” Castiel said, flushing again. “I...I want to feel you.” 

Dean paused and looked over. “You sure, sweetheart? It’s uh...messy. Can be kinda strange, especially the first time. Trust me on that,” he said, pinking slightly.

“Benny?” Castiel asked, propping himself up on one elbow. 

Dean nodded. “Yeah. I wanted the same thing. Just wanted to feel. I liked it, but it was weird at first...and we were outside. And...” He trailed off and shrugged. “Whatever you want though.”

“No condom,” Castiel said. “Unless you want one.”

“No, baby. It’s fine,” Dean said, shutting the drawer and laying back down. “Not like there’s anyone else, right? And we already got tested.” He pressed a kiss to Castiel’s cheek. “C’mere. Just wanna kiss you for a bit.”

Castiel smiled and shifted into his arms, their lips meeting in a quiet sigh. They kissed for a long time, the only sound in the apartment their shared breaths, the brush of their legs against each other and the ticking of the kitchen clock. Castiel made the first move, reaching out and taking the lube, pressing it into Dean’s hand. “Dean. Please.” 

“You’re sure?” Dean asked again, kissing his jaw. 

“ _Yes _. You said you’d only ask one more time.”__

__Dean chuckled. “Sorry, man. I’m gonna keep asking though. Don’t wanna hurt you.”_ _

__“You won’t hurt me,” Castiel said, pure trust in his voice. “I know you won’t.” He reached up, cupping Dean’s face._ _

__Dean let out a quiet sigh, tilting his head into Castiel’s hand. “Love you, Cas.”_ _

__“I love you, Dean.”_ _

__Dean shifted, clicking open the bottle and slicking his fingers, trailing them down over Castiel’s thighs and between his cheeks. “Move up a little, baby. Spread your legs, there you go,” he murmured. “Ready?”_ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__“Okay.” Dean pressed the first finger in, stopping at the flash of momentary discomfort over Castiel’s face. “Okay?”_ _

__“Okay,” Castiel grumbled. “I am fine. Continue.”_ _

__“Just said okay three times in a row, like some damned teenybopper movie,” Dean muttered, but pushed into the knuckle. “Think that was a book.”_ _

__“It was a book cover,” Castiel replied. “Please move your finger.”_ _

__Dean grinned. “What’s it feel like?”_ _

__“Like I have previously fingered myself,” Castiel said, blinking innocently at him. “If you curve it a bit, you should be able to locate my-oh,” he sighed, cock jumping._ _

__“You talk too much,” Dean teased, brushing his middle finger alongside the first. “Want the next one?”_ _

__“Yes, Dean.”_ _

__Dean leaned down, pressing their lips together as he slotted his second finger in beside the first. Castiel moved his hips, spreading his legs wider. “Good?” Dean asked after a few moments of stretching._ _

__“Dean, I am not going to break,” Castiel said with a sigh._ _

__“I know you won’t,” Dean protested. “I’m just-”_ _

__“Being kind and gentle, and all the things I know you are,” Castiel muttered. “I know. But I want a third. And then I want you.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__“Okay,” Dean grinned, pressing his third finger in slowly, watching Castiel’s face._ _

__Castiel smiled up at him, shifting his hips at the odd feeling. “I haven’t gone beyond two,” Castiel said quietly, gasping as Dean curved his fingers. “And it’s been some time.”_ _

__“How longs it been?” Dean asked._ _

__Castiel blushed. “The…”_ _

__“The?”_ _

__“The first night we kissed. I got on my bed and I took off my pants and I fingered myself to completion,” Castiel said quickly._ _

__Dean chuckled. “You know somethin’? You’re real wordy, Cas. So polite. So full of-”_ _

__“I want to be full of you,” Castiel interrupted, reaching up and directing Dean’s attention to him again. “Please,” he said softly, searching Dean’s eyes._ _

__“Fuck,” Dean said, voice quiet as their eyes met. “Yeah, baby. You’re ready aren’t you?” He pulled his fingers away, Castiel frowning at the empty feeling. Dean reached out for the lube again, slicking his cock and smearing the excess over Castiel’s hole._ _

__Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, as Dean moved to lay between his legs, hitching one of Castiel’s thighs up. Dean slid his free hand between them, lining himself up. He met Castiel’s gaze again, and began to push in._ _

__Castiel relaxed into him, bearing down, tucking his face into Dean’s neck with a stuttering sigh. _“Dean…” _____

___“I got you, Cas,” Dean murmured, slowing. “Need to stop?”_ _ _

___Castiel shook his head. “Never stop.”_ _ _

___Dean gave a breathy laugh, and rocked his hips forward a little more, Castiel’s lips moving at his neck as he was peppered with kisses and bites. They both groaned as he finally bottomed out, and Castiel pulled his face away, lips swollen and cheeks flushed. “Dean,” Castiel said again, unable to come up with anything else._ _ _

___“Yeah?” Dean asked, staring down at him._ _ _

___“I can feel you,” Castiel murmured. “All of you. You’re inside me, and I feel….” He trailed off and Dean leaned down, kissing him desperately._ _ _

___“I know, Cas. I know,” Dean muttered against his lips. “Feels right, feel so fuckin’ good, baby. Made for each other, weren’t we? Gonna move, okay? Tell me if I shouldn’t, if you need to stop.”_ _ _

___Castiel nodded, breath catching as Dean pulled out, and pushed in again. “More, Dean.”_ _ _

___Dean obeyed, starting with slow, shallow thrusts, lips roaming over Castiel’s cheek, jaw, throat, kissing him. “Tell me when,” Dean murmured, rolling his hips in tentative searching movements._ _ _

___Dean groaned into Castiel’s mouth, slamming their lips together as Castiel cried out a breathless, “There! Dean!” Castiel raised his legs up, wrapping them around Dean’s waist, clinging to him as Dean sped up._ _ _

___“God, baby, Cas, fuck, love you,” Dean panted. “You gonna come for me?” Castiel nodded and Dean gave a low moan, slipping a hand between them to stroke his cock._ _ _

___Castiel kissed Dean’s throat, teeth dragging over his skin. “I’m...I’m close, Dean,” he breathed._ _ _

___“You come when you need to,” Dean said. “Don’t worry about me, I know it feels good.” He thrust in again, targeting Castiel’s prostate. “C’mon, baby.”_ _ _

___Castiel moaned, searching out Dean’s lips. With another well placed thrust, he was coming, cock twitching between them, spurting over their stomachs.At the drag of Castiel’s nails over his back and the squeeze of his body around him, Dean came hard and fast, filling Castiel with a groan._ _ _

___They kissed again, sloppy but passionate, Dean carefully pulling out and rolling onto his side beside Castiel. “You okay, Cas?” he asked quietly, trying to catch his breath, hands grasping at the bedside table where his boxers had inexplicably ended up. He got ahold of them, and wiped Castiel’s cock and stomach off, before cleaning his own cock with a quick swipe._ _ _

___Castiel smiled at Dean as he tossed them away, eyes opening in a sleepy, well sated gaze. “Yes, Dean.”_ _ _

___“You sure?” Dean asked, a smile unfolding across his face. “It’s a sin to lie.”_ _ _

___“I’m sure.” Castiel moved closer, snuggling into him with a deep chuckle. “I love you, Dean,” he murmured, eyes closing again._ _ _

___“I love you, too,” Dean said quietly, tugging one of the blankets up and wrapping his arms around Castiel. “G’night, Cas.”_ _ _

___“Night,” Castiel murmured._ _ _

___“Night,” Dean said again, stroking his hand through Castiel’s hair and closing his eyes. “See you in the mornin’,” he yawned, listening as the rain began to lash against the windows._ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings.


	10. The Neverending Story

_“Dean. Dean, wake up!”_

_Dean jolted awake, blinking in the bright white light. “What the hell? Where am I?”_

_“Hey man! Good to see you again,” Chuck said, reaching a hand down to him._

_Dean looked suspiciously at him, ignoring the hand. “What the hell? You’re that guy...You’re the DJ from Sam’s wedding. Chuck.”_

_“Oh, yeah. Just was checking up on you then, seeing how you and Cas were doing. Miss talking to him. We all do. Gabe especially, but he’s doing something down there. He’s renting you guys the apartment. Not sure you could call him a good baker though, I mean hell, you tasted the guys-never mind,” Chuck replied, taking his hand back awkwardly. “I guess I just wanted to say congrats.”_

_“You wanted to say congrats on what?” Dean asked, glaring at him. “What the fuck is going on, man?”_

_“I wanted to say congrats for finding Castiel. Figuring out that you guys love each other. Finally saying it! Can’t wait for the wedding,” Chuck said, waving his hand. “I mean, you have no idea the amount of trouble I went through the first time around. You two. Always sacrificing yourselves for other people.”_

_Dean rubbed his eyes. “Seriously, weirdest dream ever,” he grumbled. “What the hell do I gotta do to get something fun going on? Beach party or something. Not this weird ass white room and the funky ass DJ.”_

_Chuck sighed. “It’s like mandatory for me to tell you this, then you can go. You and Castiel found each other. You’re soulmates. Now, your souls are complete, everyone is happy, yadda yadda. Okay?”_

_“Look, I’ve already said it once tonight, but my life is not some damned teenybopper movie,” Dean snapped._

_“Ugh. You’re harder to deal with this time around,” Chuck muttered. “Here lemme just show you what I mean?”_

_“Show me? What are you gonna….holy shit,” Dean said as a wall of the room shivered, color spreading over the surface._

_“I upgraded since the last time you were here,” Chuck said smugly. “Anyway, look,” he said, pointing._

_“That’s me,” Dean said, watching himself grow from a small baby to a young man, frowning as he saw flashes of familiar faces and places._

_“Yeah. Just not you, you. Another you. The first version,” Chuck said, as the picture Dean spun a knife, attacking black eyed demons._

_“Black eyes…” Dean whispered. “Empty black eyes.”_

_“Yeah, there was a glitch, I guess is what you could call it. Some stuff doubled over,” Chuck said, scratching his head guiltily. “You handled it well though. Considering. Having Bobby around helped.”_

_Dean shook his head, just watching the events on screen. “Wait, what the hell is that?” he asked, jumping up as the darkness appeared, swallowing the impala. “And what happened to Cas? And Sammy? And everyone else? Did they just-”_

_“They died,” Chuck replied quietly, holding out a hand. “And before you get mad….you saved them. You did Dean. You and Cas, by splitting your souls, let me rewrite everything. Total system reboot,” he said._

_“I did what?”_

_“You found yourself,” Chuck replied. “See, you and Cas were made for each other. Not my intention, but it happened. Writing is hard. But the one thing that happened was that every single universe where you two were, whether you were soldiers, or bakers, fishermen or teenage sweethearts, birds even, you two ended up together.” He smiled. “And you helped me realize what my greatest creation actually is.”_

_Dean frowned. “Do I wanna know?” he asked._

_Chuck laughed. “Yeah, Dean. It’s the ability to make a neverending story.”_

_“Sounds like a crappy romance novel,” Dean said with a shrug._

_“What doesn’t?” Chuck replied. “Oh hey. I think we’re done here. Someone else is calling you.”_

_“What?” Dean asked, sensing the light begin to fade. “Wait, was this real?” he called out, sinking into darkness._

_“How the hell do I know?” Chuck called back. “I’m only God! This shit is all you guys, I just write the script!”_

_“But-”_

_**_

“Dean?” Castiel said, shaking him. “Dean, wake up.”

Dean jolted into a seated position. “Chuck?”

Castiel frowned. “No. It’s Castiel. Who is Chuck?”  
Dean shook his head, turning to him with a guilty grin. “Sorry, baby. Weird dream. Oh, is that coffee?”

“The new baker downstairs gave it to me when I went to say hello,” Castiel said, climbing back into bed and handing Dean one of the cardboard cups. “Also, we do not have a coffee machine of our own. We need one. I like coffee.”

“I know you do,” Dean replied, wrapping an arm around him. “New baker?”

“Yes. His name is Gabriel. He’s very pleasant. He offered me candy as well, but it was too early for so much sugar,” Castiel said, tucking himself into Dean’s chest. “Good morning, Dean.”

“Mornin’ Cas,” Dean said, smiling at him, wondering about the baker but waving his thoughts away. “You sleep okay? Not too uh sore or anything?”

“Mm, not at all,” Castiel replied, matching his smile and sipping his coffee.

“Good,” Dean said.

“That does mean we’ll do it again, won’t we?” Castiel asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Oh, hell yeah,” Dean said with a laugh, leaning down for a stale, coffee tinged good morning kiss.

Castiel sighed happily. “I love you.”

“Love you too man. Always and forever,” Dean replied fondly, pressing another kiss to the top of his head. “So glad I found you.”

“I found you,” Castiel protested, narrowing his eyes.

“Nah,” Dean replied. “Found each other.” Castiel shrugged, making a noncommitted noise as he drank his coffee.

“And we always will,” Dean murmured, half to himself a few minutes later, breaking their easy silence.

“What?” Castiel asked, looking at him.

“Nothing, Cas. Just something I dreamt about last night,” Dean replied. “C’mon. I’m thinkin’ a shower, then pancakes for breakfast,” he said, downing the rest of his coffee. Castiel grinned and followed him from the bed, laughing as Dean sauntered down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I can't believe this is finally done. Thank you so much to everyone who stuck with me through intermittent updates, three months and twenty-five thousand words. Thank you to the people who encouraged me to keep writing, and to those who helped look everything over! I know it's been a heavy fic at sometimes, but I think it was worth it. I hope everyone enjoyed, and thank you all for commenting. My readers are what keeps me going. 
> 
> As always, find me [here](http://hums-happily.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.  
> I do sometimes take prompts. 
> 
> Any notification of errors are accepted with gratefulness that knows no bounds.  
> Kudos, comments, and your happy (pained) flailing are accepted with glee. I hope you enjoyed!  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, find me [here](http://hums-happily.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.  
> Any notification of errors are accepted with gratefulness that knows no bounds.  
> Kudos, comments, and your happy (pained) flailing are accepted with glee. I hope you enjoyed!  
> Thanks to my betas: [phipiohsum475](http://archiveofourown.org/users/phipiohsum475/pseuds/phipiohsum475), [reclusiveq](http://archiveofourown.org/users/reclusiveq/pseuds/reclusiveq) and the ghost.


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